[to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes.
Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.
CarolineMax, you look perfect for your date.
Caroline
It is.
No, it's not. It's booty call.
There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.
Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.
What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In?
Caroline
You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant. You'll be very happy.
Gary, the fat guy from Teen Mom?
Caroline
Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.
Tyler, the skinny guy from Teen Mom?
Caroline
You're lucky I edited your application.
Caroline
You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Max, that's not even a thing.
Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator.
Caroline
Max!
I call it "Santa's big helper."
It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.
MMary
Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.
Caroline
Mine too!
MMary
My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life.
Caroline
Mine too!
I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray.
Caroline
I'm Caroline.
MMary
[turns to Max] Hi. I'm Mary.
It's cool, we don't need to talk.
That little man disrespect me. He-He insult my food, my English, my "hyjane."
Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
If I hug you, will you go back to work?
Two-second hug. I'm going in.
[Max and Oleg hug, Caroline comes into the kitchen]
Caroline
Aw!
[Max and Oleg pull away; Max's yellow shirt zipper is pulled down revealing her cleavage]
Caroline
Uh...
[Caroline points to Max's shirt revealing what had happened]
[to Oleg, in shock] Whoa! How did you do that? Your hands never left my back!
I am like David Blaine of zippers.
[annoyed] I was trying to cheer you up.
[Caroline is at the counter]
Caroline
Hey.
[Max walks in the apartment]
Caroline
I'm making cupcakes.
Caroline
Didn't have to. Look.
[Caroline gestures to the new stove; Max is shocked]
No way! The BlueStar in purple! What the-? How could you afford that? You sold your TAT?
Caroline
Sold them all. Spent it on the oven, next-day delivery fee, and installation.
That woman gave you a better price?
Caroline
No, she pulled a gun on me. So I went to every gold store in Brooklyn, leveraged their offers against each other, until I got enough to buy the BlueStar.
You didn't have to do that.
Caroline
After what I did, there were no more words, only ovens. And our future means more to me than rings from my past. I told you; I'm in this for the long haul. And for the record, I hated lunch with those girls. I'd rather split a Kit-Kat in a bathroom with you any day.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at my new boyfriend over there. I wanna make out with it! [excitedly runs over to the new oven] Ha, ha. Mmm.
[kisses the oven, burning her lips in the process] Ow, hot.
[the oven dings]
[in amazement] There is not a ding!
Caroline
There's a ding. My rings bought a ding. You wanna hug me, don't you?
Caroline
But you're not gonna.
Yes, I am. But if you unzip my shirt, I'm gonna be pissed! Impressed but pissed.
[Caroline and Max hug]
We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
Caroline
Why would we need to do that?
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.
Caroline
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
They are, I make them in my home.
Caroline
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.
Caroline
So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?
I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed."
TTanya
[in a Jamaican accent] All right now, your total is $70.49.
Caroline
Wow, that seems like a lot.
TTanya
I don't make the prices, now do I?
Caroline
No, I was just commenting.
TTanya
Well, it's not CNN, now is it?
[pulls out a few coupons] Here, give her the coupons.
Caroline
The coupons?
Caroline
Max, you use coupons? I had no idea.
You're looking at me like I'm on To Catch a Predator.
Caroline
We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.
What are you talking about, I have coupons. Here, take them. [Hands Caroline the coupons]
Caroline
[tries to give Tanya the coupons] I— I have— [turns back to Max] I can't, I don't want to. I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further. Don't make me.
There's no need to go down a keshame spiral. [takes Caroline's hand with the coupons and puts it out to Tanya] Hi, she has coupons.
TTanya
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons? Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?
Caroline
I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me. [turns to Max, imitating Tanya's accent] Now didn't ya?
Look, it's not a big deal. Lots of people use coupons.
Caroline
Coupons are for—
Poor people, yes. Like us. People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."
[Tanya scans all the coupons]
TTanya
Your new total is $12.70.
Caroline
Wait. It just went from $70 to $12 just like that? The same food for less money? The exact same food? How is that even possible?
TTanya
You used coupons, now didn't ya?
Caroline
Max, coupons are genius!
[In the diner, after Sophie asked if the girls would consider working for her and then excused herself from the table for a moment]
Caroline
I can't believe she would actually consider asking us to be prostitutes.
I know. I mean, me, I get, but you, I don't see it. You heard the guy, I look like I could "take a lot." [referring to a comment from one of the diner's waiters]
Caroline
Max, it's not funny. Isn't it bad enough I may have gotten herpes from her Chanel gloss?
Of course we're not gonna do it, but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker.
Caroline
Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker. I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and wanna fall in love and have a family.
Oh, just say it, you're bad in bed.
[comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef.
Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day.
Caroline
Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.
I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu.
Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens.
[hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.
I would like to hire you to clean my house.
Oh, yeah, this is possible. I will send girl. What is your address?
I don't want some girl. I want you to come clean.
Oh, you cannot get me to come.
Oh, I can get you to come.
No, I can no longer come anymore. No, Max and Caroline can come.
MCMax and Caroline
No, no, no, no, we're not coming.
So no one can get you to come?
Well, some people can get me to come... Just not you.
Hard to get... I like it.
2 Broke Girls · 189 quotes
