You're the Worst quotes

Gretchen

So you'll tell him, yeah? Thanks.

Edgar

No, no, no way! I... I told enough people that someone that they love died.

Lindsay

I have an idea. When my parents got divorced, they told us at Benihana's so we wouldn't cause a scene. The chef put a shrimp in his hat.

Gretchen

How'd that work?

Lindsay

He just put a shrimp in his hat.

Gretchen

No, I mean, telling you in public.

Lindsay

Oh. It totally made us not freak out as much. Except later, I drank my mom's mai tai and climbed on the table 'cause I forgot it was a grill. That's why I don't have footprints.

Gretchen

Wait! Make sure to pull out. I can't get pregnant. Your dad might be floating around right now, looking for a body to reincarnate.

Gretchen

[seeing Jimmy burying his face in his hand] Let all the sadness out. [Jimmy turns around with a big smile on his face] Whoa! I thought you were crying!

Jimmy

No. It's amazing. I was smelling the jacket that Dad left and it smelled exactly like him. Just cigarettes, ale, beans, occupational failure. And in a rush, that feeling that we'd been searching for all day just came flying out. And, Gretchen, it wasn't sadness. It was happiness. I'm free. I am finally free! And I'm finally unstuck creatively. I found, all right, the perfect metaphor for the heft of Kitty's adolescent bottom. I'll tell you later. It's...it's too sexy.

Gretchen

Do you want to go binge-watch that six-part series on the Susan Smith case?

Jimmy

Yeah. Just a sec. Now that my parental nightmare is finally over, I'm gonna get rid of everything that smacks of Ronny Overly. May he rest in relative peace for someone of his arterial calcification.

Dreams?

Edgar

Some real bad ones.

Hypervigilance?

Edgar

I saw a sniper on the overpass.

IEDs in the trash?

Edgar

Yes! Roadside trash is the worst. Why can't they just throw it away?

Suicidal thoughts? You know the stats? 22 every day. Though, in truth, there are some Vietnam dudes that are jacking up our numbers, but still.

Edgar

I thought starting today, things would get better. But they don't give a shit.

Here's what you got to understand. They're not evil. None of 'em are. The military's job is to sand down our humanity just enough to where we can take a life. That's it. Afterwards, some totally separate branch gets to deal with all these purposely broken motherfuckers. Not only is that impossible with the resources, that's just impossible, period.

Edgar

Yeah, well, then, what are we supposed to do?

Not wait for someone to help you. Figure out what works. My man Carter, he hunts all the time. This big chopper pilot I know, he goes to yoga. And we make fun of him, but it seems to work. Jorge hikes the PCT once a year. I got this companion dog. I wanted a big, mean dude, but the organization gave me this little scrub. He saved my life, this guy. This other bro I know locks himself in his bedroom and stabs his closet door. I mean, he's not getting his deposit back, but once the rage passes, he's fine. I know you don't want to hear this, but the minute you stop looking for someone else to cure you, maybe you start living again.

Gretchen

Legend has it, there is a bar, a secret bar, so exclusive...

Lindsay

No. We're not doing your stupid scavenger hunt for some dumb bar. You pitch it every Sunday.

Gretchen

It is not just a bar. It is a secret bar with a hidden entrance. A magical land full of beautiful people, and strong beverages, and retro decor, called a speakeasy.

Jimmy

Bye-bye.

Gretchen

Goddammit guys, I need this. I had depression. That is a legit-ass, mental-ass illness. I can't be a pilot. It's a fact. Also, Jimmy's dad died.

Jimmy

Yeah. About which, I didn't care.

Gretchen

And I think we both deserve to have a little fun after all that. Also, there's a bar in L.A. I can't get into. That is unacceptable.

Jimmy

Well, accept it, 'cause I'm not going on a scavenger hunt to find a speakeasy. Easily the worst development in bar culture since Internet jukeboxes and big ice cubes.

Lindsay

Ew, books are gross.

Gretchen

Here Lindser, I got you a book.

Lindsay

Har-har. Here's a book for you. It's called How Not to Be a Bitch for No Reason on Sunday Funday.

Gretchen

Oh, look. Here's one. It's called I'm Living a Double Life, and I Can't Be Myself Around My Husband: The Lindsay Jillian Story, volume two.

Lindsay

Where's volume one?

Gretchen

There is no volume one. You're just that stupid.

Your sisters want me to follow up with you. Apparently, you blocked their numbers, and they want me to tell you: A, you're to have the funeral; B, to make sure to scatter his ashes; and C, don't fall into any shit.

Jimmy

Ah! Well, tell them: A, we're already having a service tomorrow; B, I will scatter his ashes, into the toilet; and, C, you're grossly obese, brush your teeth, and you're a whore, in descending chronological birth order.

[reading eulogy] "Ronny Overly was not only my coworker. He was my hero. He cherished his family, especially his son, Jimmy. I remember when I came out to visit Jimmy. Oh, bloody hell. This was supposed to be in the third person. Oh, well. Ha, ha. It's me, Ronny. I wrote this in pen, so I might as well keep going. I just realized Freddie has to read whatever I say. My name is Freddie, and I'm a..." I'm not reading that. Skipping forward. "Anyway, I did my best to love him, but he rejected me. I sent him presents, I visited, I Facebook-requested him. Anyway, I forgive him. Please scatter my ashes at the home of actor Tony Shalhoub, whose movie Big Night you and I attended together. What's that, Fi? Your sister just told me he's a Paki. Shit. Anyway, after the movie, you turned to me and said: 'That's what I want to do, Daddy. I want to tell stories.' And I said: 'You can do anything you want, son.' And so, you became a writer. I did that. Anyway, I hope you ditch that depressed girl. And I hope Fi is wrong about Tony Shalhoub. Looking at his last name now, it does look suspicious. Shal-houb. Cheers."

Jimmy

Excuse me! Excuse me. We are not done. First of all, he is a liar! I begged him to take me to Big Night so that we could bond, but instead, he went to D3: The Mighty Ducks, and I watched Big Night alone. Then his movie was shorter, he forgot that I was with him, so he left without me. For him to claim that he was rejected after 18 years of constant rejection on his part is crazy!

Edgar

You got me in with the pot people. They're the worst people. Worse than people who study abroad or atheists or...

Gretchen

Ooh, what about children of celebrities who pretend that it didn't help their careers.

Edgar

These pot activists leech off of people with legitimate problems in order to further their agenda, which is just getting high! Why did you make me do this?!

Gretchen

I was looking out for your best interests.

Edgar

Yeah, well, I'm done with Dr. Weed.

Gretchen

Hey! If I quit every time my mother pushed me to do something hard, I wouldn't have... I-I... Okay, well, I guess I did quit eventually to start doing drugs and having unprotected sex with college boys. But the point...

Edgar

No! No more advice! I hate you.

Gretchen

[as Edgar leaves] I was only trying to fill your...

Jimmy

[entering] Look what I made! I went to Kinko's. Talked to some undergrads making a 'zine. It's a lovely place. Anyway, turns out I've been living my entire life in opposition to my father. And now that he's dead, I have no idea who I really am. Am I even a writer? Who knows? Maybe I'm meant to be a master carpenter/tree-house architect/singer-songwriter. Anyways, although my zoo animals are likely dead or escaped, I'd like to thank you for taking that router and forcing me to explore the world. Okay. I'm gonna go into the backyard and test some branches for load-bearing capacity.

Gretchen

Anyway, I-I don't want you to cream your jeans or anything 'cause I know they're your only pair, but maybe my mom wasn't so great.

Seriously? What, did you hack my e-mail?

Gretchen

I mean, the pressure made me rad, but have you ever slept with no sheets? So scratchy. [Looks at Justina's patient] Five out of ten. Would bang.

Yup, that's her.

Gretchen

Actually, that was the first time I fell into a depression. It was after a tennis match and I had won, but not by enough, 'cause it was never enough. And my mom was doing this... this food-withholding thing. I think she saw something about it on a TV show as a way to control your dog or something.

Vernon

I'm thirsty. I ate too many Blammos and I spat on these ants too much. You got any water? I drank all my sodas.

No.

Vernon

I hear a creek.

You can't drink creek water. It's not safe.

Vernon

Nah, I can't get sick. To build my immune system, I lick weird stuff at the hospital all the time. In surg, they say scrub up, I just fake go through the motions. Come on.

That's to protect the patients.

Vernon

Agree to disagree.

Never thought squirrel could be so delicious.

Vernon

Nuts are high in protein and fat. Makes for tender flesh. People forget I'm a doctor and I know shit. Hey. Check out his little squirrel dick. You dare me to flick it?

Ugh.

Vernon

I didn't know we'd get lost. I was just trying to buy more time. You don't understand. It's a nightmare over there. Becca makes me wear full pajamas so our skins don't touch.

Lindsay may have stabbed me intentionally.

Vernon

I only get 20% of the TiVo. And Becca's always erasing my shows "accidentally." I missed all last season of The Librarians.

Lindsay orders takeout for one. One time I took a French fry, and she made me give her a dollar even though it was on my credit card.

Vernon

Becca once held my head in the toilet for a minute when I forgot to flush a duke.

Lindsey's cucking me.

Vernon

Yeah, no kidding.

No, seriously. That guy I mentioned earlier, Raul, he's her bull.

Vernon

What? Whoa. What? So he porks her and you have to watch? What? Damn, that's crazy! Jesus, why doesn't anything cool ever happen to me?

Lindsay

[outside a women's health center] So then I heated up the condom in the microwave and I got a turkey baster.

Wait, I need you to back up.

Lindsay

Okay, so I wanted a popsicle...

Gretchen

Lindsay, do not let those pro-life assholes talk you out of your legal right!

Lindsay

It's okay. I was already having second thoughts before this nice lady came over.

Gretchen

What, why?

Lindsay

If Paul and I get divorced, I'm not gonna have a family anymore. Family. Name one family that's just one person.

Gretchen

Suddenly Susan. Listen, I know that becoming a real human being is a scary thing, but I'll help you. I got your back always.

Lindsay

Thanks, Gretch. All right. I'm ready.

Gretchen

Bam, nice try, terrorists. Another victory for women's rights.

Actually, I was gonna tell her to do it. In my book, there are extenuating circumstances--rape, incest, and whatever this is.

Jimmy

I did what you said. I looked at my life from an outside perspective.

Gretchen

Yeah. Doesn't it feel great?

Jimmy

No, it was terrifying. I didn't recognize any of it.

Gretchen

What?

Jimmy

I don't recognize my life. I don't know whether I made any of the right decisions. Everything could be wrong.

Gretchen

Everything?

Jimmy

Everything.

Jimmy

I am allowed to reassess my life. You have no say in it.

Gretchen

So I'm just supposed to wait around until you think I'm worthy of being your girlfriend? That's bullshit, dude. Just tell me one of the things on your list.

Jimmy

Okay, fine. But only if you tell me one of yours.

Gretchen

Fine.

Jimmy

[pulls out list] Okay. "I can't see having kids with her." Your turn.

Gretchen

I'm afraid you'll never be successful.