A character in You're the Worst
Played by Chris Geere
You're the Worst · 56 quotes
Most-quoted character in You're the Worst: in 37 of its 56 quotes
Most scenes with: Gretchen Cutler (26), Edgar Quintero (7), Lindsay Jillian (2)
JimmyIt's just like I told Gretchen. Friends are for babies. And just because I fell in feces and all the kids called me "Shitty Jimmy," and I was the smartest kid in my class, that has nothing to do with why I don't need friends.
JimmyI have here three envelopes stamped and addressed, each containing something horrible I do not want mailed under any circumstances. On the back are dates and page counts. I miss a deadline, you mail the envelope. In ascending order of horribleness: a check to BAMLA, a love letter to Becca, and the worst, an invitation for my family to come visit, all expenses paid. I mean, the horror of any of these being mailed is so severe that it will serve as all the motivation I need to write.
Hi.
JimmyWhat?
I just moved in... over there.
JimmyOf course you did.
Why do you say that?
JimmyBecause the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators.
Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay, too.
JimmyI'm not gay. I'm English.
You want to hang out sometime?
JimmyWhat? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means? [pause] It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light. [pause] So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is?
My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early.
JimmyCome over around 8:00.
You just spit on it?
JimmyYeah.
You just spit on my vagina.
JimmySo?
Don't!
JimmyWhy?
Why don't spit on my vagina?
JimmyIt's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.
Jimmy[watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off] This movie has one of the greatest villains of all time.
Yeah. Principal Rooney is so mean.
JimmyRooney? Rooney's not the villain.
Oh, you mean the sister, that girl from...
...Dirty Dancing/Wind.
JimmyOkay, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Grey's career? And no, she's not the villain either.
Then who is?
JimmyCameron.
Cameron? No. Cameron's his best friend, Cameron's his sidekick.
JimmyEdgar, I think I know a little something about Campbellian storytelling. Ferris is the hero, Jennifer Grey is the foil, Principal Rooney is the fool, Sloane is the sidekick, Cameron's the villain.
Wait, how is Cameron the villain?
JimmyFerris just wants to show Cameron a fun day for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferris's last day of freedom by being a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun!
Cameron's sick, he doesn't even want to go out, but Ferris guilts him into it and...and makes him steal his father's luxury automobile.
JimmyAre we even watching the same movie?
I think so.
JimmySitting is definitely in my top 5 favorite activities.
What are the others?
JimmyEating things. Shutting stupid people down verbally. Bubble baths. Masturbating.
JimmyDay drinking's the best.
Day drinking is the best! Aren't we lucky we're both in professions where we can day drink?
JimmyAre you in a profession where you can day drink?
They all are if you want it bad enough.
They're my parents! I get to lie to them until I'm old and they're dead, and you don't get a vote! I would never tell your dad to read your book!
JimmyThat's because he wouldn't let you in the door, because you're a redhead, and he's hated the Irish ever since the IRA blew up his favorite chip shop.
Jimmy[talking to Gretchen on Facetime] Hey. Do you want to get a lap dance with me?
Oh, hell yeah, I do. [Jimmy puts phone in jacket pocket and maneuvers around] Oh, no, no, no, no, the one with the C-section scar.
JimmyWhich one?
JimmyDo you know what I'd rather experience than long-form improv? Long-form bone cancer.
Point taken.
JimmyNo, I don't think it is. See, you just described an improvised comedy scene to me. That's worse than telling someone about a dream that doesn't feature them sexually. I mean, you've had some awful, awful hobbies, but this is by far the worst. And I'm including heroin and not knowing things are a school.
I didn't know it was a school.
JimmyWhat is going on with you?!
The only thing going on with me is I am trying to make-do being stuck in this house, and you're obsessed with this stupid mouse! I know, let's do shots. [Picks up two empty bottles] Oh, my God, we're out of booze.
JimmyGood. I think you've had enough.
You've had enough. Edgar! Edgar! We're out of booze.
We'll make a run later. [beat] M-Maybe Jimmy's right. Relax.
Relax? Says the guy so riddled with anxiety, he can't sleep through the night without screaming!
Yes, well, uh, we all know that I'm taking the prescribed steps to overcome the very common issues caused by combat situations.
Ugh! We know. You were in a war. Get over it! And while you're at it, get over Lindsay. Have enough self-respect not to focus on someone who's still clearly obsessed with her lame, soft ex-husband.
This is really hard for me.
Oh. "Waah. My husband left me for a female him, and now I can't function in life. Waah!"
[Dorothy laughs, causing Gretchen to turn to her]
Oh, and you! Theater girl!
Yes?
Improv is the lowest form of comedy. That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking, no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.
[into it] Aw, shit.
You're what this town calls a tweener. You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.
You already did me!
Do me, do me.
Not worth it.
Aw, man.
JimmyLook, as spectacularly entertaining as this is, maybe you should take a breather.
And then there's Jimmy.
JimmyAw, shit.
No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer. I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three whole pages before his heroic effort is cut short by the desire to watch Internet porn or get a snack! All of you! Sucking the air out of the room with your self-pity-riddled non-problems! Except you, Vernon. You got real issues. You're married to Becca.
Ha! Vernon, ya burnt!
This place is an emotional black hole, and if it wasn't for the runners—yes, they have a name, they're not just "the people," you giant doofus—I would be driving as fast as I could away from you all! But I can't! Because apparently, I live here now, due to completely-beyond-my-control wiring issues for which there will be a lawsuit. Yes! There will be a lawsuit! [sniffles] There will be no lawsuit.
Jimmy"Flight itinerary: Heathrow to L.A.X." No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening. Why would my family be flying here?! They can't do that.
So tell 'em to suck your dick.
JimmyWell, I can't tell them "to suck my dick," Gretchen, because they're already in the air! They arrive in the morning. "For four days"?! Why the hell are they...? Gretchen, the, uh, the-the... the letters that I gave you, you-you didn't...?
Yeah, I mailed them like you asked.
JimmyNo! Why would you do that?! They were just threats, so if I didn't hit the page count, you were to mail the letters!
I don't get it.
JimmyOh, my God, and the love letter to Becca. And there was a third one. What was it?
Oh, yeah, it was bad. I remember that.
JimmyI'm already regretting not slapping you harder.
JimmyYou must be in university by now.
Oh, I was going to go, but they pointed out that university is just a place wankers go to study poetry and fist themselves.
JimmyDid you know my entire childhood was spent with the lot of you incessantly mocking me. The first time I learned to ride a bicycle and fell into that pile of loose lead. [The family laughs] My phase of wearing Mum's high heels. And, yeah, the famous Shitty Jimmy incident, which, if you remember, only happened because Fi pushed me!
In my defense, I only pushed you so you'd fall in shit!
JimmyAnd now you've come to cow me again? Well, it will not work. Do you know why? Because I understand that you're not the sisters I looked up to, or the father whose... or the father whose approval I desperately wanted. You are just unhappy, uneducated garbage! And I want you out of my house! [They laugh more] It's not funny!
JimmyRed licorice vodka? Were you expecting Chris Hansen?
Why are you here?
JimmyLast night, a certifiable fox hit on me, and I did not respond. I masturbated furiously afterwards, but only after I'd rejected her.
You need to stop. It's like you have amnesia. Every day, you think things are gonna be different, and I'll just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this. I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time, please go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You're the Worst pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
