Gretchen Cutler quotes from You're the Worst

Gretchen

Well, as my grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame. See you later. Thanks for doing all the sex stuff on me.

Gretchen

Wait! Make sure to pull out. I can't get pregnant. Your dad might be floating around right now, looking for a body to reincarnate.

Gretchen

You just spit on it?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Gretchen

You just spit on my vagina.

Jimmy

So?

Gretchen

Don't!

Jimmy

Why?

Gretchen

Why don't spit on my vagina?

Jimmy

It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.

Jimmy

Sitting is definitely in my top 5 favorite activities.

Gretchen

What are the others?

Jimmy

Eating things. Shutting stupid people down verbally. Bubble baths. Masturbating.

Jimmy

Day drinking's the best.

Gretchen

Day drinking is the best! Aren't we lucky we're both in professions where we can day drink?

Jimmy

Are you in a profession where you can day drink?

Gretchen

They all are if you want it bad enough.

Gretchen

They're my parents! I get to lie to them until I'm old and they're dead, and you don't get a vote! I would never tell your dad to read your book!

Jimmy

That's because he wouldn't let you in the door, because you're a redhead, and he's hated the Irish ever since the IRA blew up his favorite chip shop.

You've been standing here for 20 minutes. Can I help you find something?

Gretchen

No, I'm fine. I'm waiting for someone. My son... actually. Jayden?

Cart paralysis. It's very common. What do you need to get?

Gretchen

Everything! I just moved in with my boyfriend and I don't have any stuff except for a food processor and, like, nineteen thongs, because even though at first we were like, "I am not wearing that," the patriarchy somehow convinced us that visible panty lines were unacceptable, so now I've just grown accustomed to the feeling of a fabric rope against my actual asshole all day. And anyway, even if I did buy the stuff of a life, there's nowhere for me to put it because I'm not sure this dude really wanted me to move in because I'm an irresponsible monster who burned down her apartment with her vibrator!

I'm just gonna leave you with this checklist for college freshmen.

Jimmy

[talking to Gretchen on Facetime] Hey. Do you want to get a lap dance with me?

Gretchen

Oh, hell yeah, I do. [Jimmy puts phone in jacket pocket and maneuvers around] Oh, no, no, no, no, the one with the C-section scar.

Jimmy

Which one?

Jimmy

What is going on with you?!

Gretchen

The only thing going on with me is I am trying to make-do being stuck in this house, and you're obsessed with this stupid mouse! I know, let's do shots. [Picks up two empty bottles] Oh, my God, we're out of booze.

Jimmy

Good. I think you've had enough.

Gretchen

You've had enough. Edgar! Edgar! We're out of booze.

Edgar

We'll make a run later. [beat] M-Maybe Jimmy's right. Relax.

Gretchen

Relax? Says the guy so riddled with anxiety, he can't sleep through the night without screaming!

Edgar

Yes, well, uh, we all know that I'm taking the prescribed steps to overcome the very common issues caused by combat situations.

Gretchen

Ugh! We know. You were in a war. Get over it! And while you're at it, get over Lindsay. Have enough self-respect not to focus on someone who's still clearly obsessed with her lame, soft ex-husband.

Lindsay

This is really hard for me.

Gretchen

Oh. "Waah. My husband left me for a female him, and now I can't function in life. Waah!"

Gretchen

Oh, and you! Theater girl!

Yes?

Gretchen

Improv is the lowest form of comedy. That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking, no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.

[into it] Aw, shit.

Gretchen

You're what this town calls a tweener. You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.

Lindsay

You already did me!

Vernon

Do me, do me.

Gretchen

Not worth it.

Vernon

Aw, man.

Jimmy

Look, as spectacularly entertaining as this is, maybe you should take a breather.

Gretchen

And then there's Jimmy.

Jimmy

Aw, shit.

Gretchen

No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer. I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three whole pages before his heroic effort is cut short by the desire to watch Internet porn or get a snack! All of you! Sucking the air out of the room with your self-pity-riddled non-problems! Except you, Vernon. You got real issues. You're married to Becca.

Vernon

Ha! Vernon, ya burnt!

Gretchen

This place is an emotional black hole, and if it wasn't for the runners—yes, they have a name, they're not just "the people," you giant doofus—I would be driving as fast as I could away from you all! But I can't! Because apparently, I live here now, due to completely-beyond-my-control wiring issues for which there will be a lawsuit. Yes! There will be a lawsuit! [sniffles] There will be no lawsuit.

Jimmy

"Flight itinerary: Heathrow to L.A.X." No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening. Why would my family be flying here?! They can't do that.

Gretchen

So tell 'em to suck your dick.

Jimmy

Well, I can't tell them "to suck my dick," Gretchen, because they're already in the air! They arrive in the morning. "For four days"?! Why the hell are they...? Gretchen, the, uh, the-the... the letters that I gave you, you-you didn't...?

Gretchen

Yeah, I mailed them like you asked.

Jimmy

No! Why would you do that?! They were just threats, so if I didn't hit the page count, you were to mail the letters!

Gretchen

I don't get it.

Jimmy

Oh, my God, and the love letter to Becca. And there was a third one. What was it?

Gretchen

Oh, yeah, it was bad. I remember that.

Jimmy

I'm already regretting not slapping you harder.

Jimmy

Red licorice vodka? Were you expecting Chris Hansen?

Gretchen

Why are you here?

Jimmy

Last night, a certifiable fox hit on me, and I did not respond. I masturbated furiously afterwards, but only after I'd rejected her.

Gretchen

You need to stop. It's like you have amnesia. Every day, you think things are gonna be different, and I'll just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this. I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time, please go.

Gretchen

I can't say it again. I can't.

Jimmy

I just still can't understand. Can you...can you explain it to me, please?

Gretchen

I'm scraped out. I'm... that car we sent to Mars, flipped upside down so the sun can't reach my solar panels. I've always been able to flip myself back over eventually but...I ran out of times. This is how I am now. And it's not okay with you. Nor should it be.

Jimmy

Okay. Well...I suppose it's good that this happened now, instead of like... ten years down the line.

Gretchen

Yeah.

Jimmy

I'll be back in a couple of days.

Gretchen

I'll be out by the time you get back. Have fun. You deserve it. Whoever she is.

Gretchen

[waking up to find Jimmy has built a blanket fort around her] You stayed?

Jimmy

Yeah.

Gretchen

[crying] You stayed.

Gretchen

So you kissed, and then what happened?

Jimmy

Then she showed me her bronze medal.

Gretchen

She did? Why?

Jimmy

Because she was understandably proud of it.

Gretchen

She...she was proud of her bronze medal?!

Jimmy

It's quite beautiful, close up. [Gretchen is disgusted] What?

Gretchen

Why would a person just show someone their butthole?!

Jimmy

What?! No! A real bronze medal! Why would you think I meant a butthole?

Gretchen

Well, you said "bronze medal." I mean, it is the third-best hole. Brownish.

Gretchen

You know, after I cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark.

Jimmy

Don't tell me.

Gretchen

Okay. I won't. [pause] I love you too.