I have here three envelopes stamped and addressed, each containing something horrible I do not want mailed under any circumstances. On the back are dates and page counts. I miss a deadline, you mail the envelope. In ascending order of horribleness: a check to BAMLA, a love letter to Becca, and the worst, an invitation for my family to come visit, all expenses paid. I mean, the horror of any of these being mailed is so severe that it will serve as all the motivation I need to write.
S2 E9LCD Soundsystem
LLexi
To be a slave to an idea of coolness is why some of your friends never grow and in the end are actually less themselves, and counter-intuitively live less authentic lives than the buyers-in.
S2 E10A Right Proper Story
"Flight itinerary: Heathrow to L.A.X." No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening. Why would my family be flying here?! They can't do that.
So tell 'em to suck your dick.
Well, I can't tell them "to suck my dick," Gretchen, because they're already in the air! They arrive in the morning. "For four days"?! Why the hell are they...? Gretchen, the, uh, the-the... the letters that I gave you, you-you didn't...?
Yeah, I mailed them like you asked.
No! Why would you do that?! They were just threats, so if I didn't hit the page count, you were to mail the letters!
I don't get it.
Oh, my God, and the love letter to Becca. And there was a third one. What was it?
Oh, yeah, it was bad. I remember that.
I'm already regretting not slapping you harder.
You must be in university by now.
LLilly
Oh, I was going to go, but they pointed out that university is just a place wankers go to study poetry and fist themselves.
Did you know my entire childhood was spent with the lot of you incessantly mocking me. The first time I learned to ride a bicycle and fell into that pile of loose lead. [The family laughs] My phase of wearing Mum's high heels. And, yeah, the famous Shitty Jimmy incident, which, if you remember, only happened because Fi pushed me!
FFiona
In my defense, I only pushed you so you'd fall in shit!
And now you've come to cow me again? Well, it will not work. Do you know why? Because I understand that you're not the sisters I looked up to, or the father whose... or the father whose approval I desperately wanted. You are just unhappy, uneducated garbage! And I want you out of my house! [They laugh more] It's not funny!
S2 E11A Rapidly Mutating Virus
VVern
Killer hook, Linds.
Thanks. And guess what. We're going to Fire 103 today to drop the song on Trace's show.
VVern
Nice!
BBecca
Well, I better get back to it. Oh, creating a human life. I got to tell you, it is so fulfilling. But making a grammatical nightmare of a song with Gretchen's psychopath client, that's a really big deal, you know, for you.
Oh, hey. Tomorrow I'm eating runny cheese and going on an inverted roller coaster. Want to come?
BBecca
[getting it] Okay.
Oh, sorry, I forgot. You can't ever do anything fun because you're ruining your body with some ginger-headed parasite.
VVern
Ha!
BBecca
Whatever. In five months, I will be on a Disney cruise with my family, while you're at divorce court, looking back on the time someone took pity on you and let you sing on their stupid song.
"New Phone Who 'Dis" is not a stupid song. It's about texting!
Red licorice vodka? Were you expecting Chris Hansen?
Why are you here?
Last night, a certifiable fox hit on me, and I did not respond. I masturbated furiously afterwards, but only after I'd rejected her.
You need to stop. It's like you have amnesia. Every day, you think things are gonna be different, and I'll just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this. I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time, please go.
S2 E12Other Things You Could Be Doing
I can't say it again. I can't.
I just still can't understand. Can you...can you explain it to me, please?
I'm scraped out. I'm... that car we sent to Mars, flipped upside down so the sun can't reach my solar panels. I've always been able to flip myself back over eventually but...I ran out of times. This is how I am now. And it's not okay with you. Nor should it be.
Okay. Well...I suppose it's good that this happened now, instead of like... ten years down the line.
Yeah.
I'll be back in a couple of days.
I'll be out by the time you get back. Have fun. You deserve it. Whoever she is.
[waking up to find Jimmy has built a blanket fort around her] You stayed?
Yeah.
[crying] You stayed.
S2 E13The Heart Is a Dumb Dumb
So you kissed, and then what happened?
Then she showed me her bronze medal.
She did? Why?
Because she was understandably proud of it.
She...she was proud of her bronze medal?!
It's quite beautiful, close up. [Gretchen is disgusted] What?
Why would a person just show someone their butthole?!
What?! No! A real bronze medal! Why would you think I meant a butthole?
Well, you said "bronze medal." I mean, it is the third-best hole. Brownish.
You know, after I cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark.
Don't tell me.
Okay. I won't. [pause] I love you too.
S3 E2Fix Me, Dummy
There is a stack of mail that I have been avoiding.
JJustina
Why?
They always want money, or you have jury duty, or your grandma sent you a check for your birthday, and then you feel guilty that you never call her, and then you can't get out of bed for a month. Anyway... mail. Does that count for your stupid-ass...? Ugh, sorry.
JJustina
It's all right, I'm a professional. You can say anything you want in here.
Hmm. Anything? Really? Does opening the mail count for your one little asshole thing, you goddamn cock? You suck-balls dumb dick?
JJustina
Sure.
Fine, jizz-magnet. I will open one piece of mail.
Say "whore."
Whore.
Whore.
JJustina
I'm regretting giving you license to say anything. Plus I do kind of want to fight you right now.
Too late. No take-backsies. Titty-sucking bitch.
I really like the adjustments.
Well, your asinine notes started a thought process of actual, usable fixes. I had to cut the scene in the cockpit of the plane where Joachim Kirschner masturbates during his bombing run on London, but the section is still highly erotic.
DDorothy
Did you take out the thing with Roger spanking his nephew?
What, you let Dorothy read it?!
DDorothy
I thought the sample chapters were great...
Thank you. It's so nice to hear from fans.
DDorothy
...just potentially very alienating to women.
This is literature, okay? It shall sing its own song, uncaring if sensibilities are too delicate. Anyway, it feels like we keep forgetting the proposal's in already. It's done.
DDorothy
Okay. Just so many descriptions of semen on stockings.
Stockings are a sign both of the deprivation of the Second World War and how much the repressed Kitty's slutty little legs wanted semen on them! What is alienating about that?
To think you know how other people should think and feel. That is someone with something seriously wrong with them. That's psychopath behavior.
So what do we do when she finally comes out?
We follow her home and egg her house. Duh. I had a better plan, but apparently pig's blood is, like, 12 bucks a quart.
S3 E3Bad News: Dude's Dead
Gretchen Can you take a little break?
Jimmy God, no, woman! There's too much to do, now that the starting gun on the Grand Prix has sounded, the instant that I take my foot off the proverbial gas to celebrate, shall materialize five other writers in my side mirror just ready to pass me on the Autobahn that is the publishing industry... to clumsily mix European race car metaphors. As a veteran writer girlfriend now, you know that the work is never-ending.
But you spent the last few months drinking and jerking it to the Lane Bryant shoe catalog.
If I have to explain this one more time: it's all writing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You're the Worst pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.