EdgarMaybe she’s not texting you because she knows the only reason you’re checking in is to make yourself feel better. Yeah, maybe Gretchen wants to get on with her life and never think about you again. Maybe she thought you were dead, Jimmy. Checking tips on the hotline, coming home night after night to an empty house with only your scent on your pillow to cling to for comfort, until it too faded away and she was left all alone with nobody to make breakfast ramen for, alone with nothing but her scentless pillows and haunted thoughts of all the friends she lost in the war.
[watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off] This movie has one of the greatest villains of all time.
Edgar
Yeah. Principal Rooney is so mean.
Rooney? Rooney's not the villain.
Edgar
Oh, you mean the sister, that girl from...
JEJimmy/Edgar
...Dirty Dancing/Wind.
Okay, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Grey's career? And no, she's not the villain either.
Edgar
Then who is?
Edgar
Cameron? No. Cameron's his best friend, Cameron's his sidekick.
Edgar, I think I know a little something about Campbellian storytelling. Ferris is the hero, Jennifer Grey is the foil, Principal Rooney is the fool, Sloane is the sidekick, Cameron's the villain.
Edgar
Wait, how is Cameron the villain?
Ferris just wants to show Cameron a fun day for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferris's last day of freedom by being a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun!
Edgar
Cameron's sick, he doesn't even want to go out, but Ferris guilts him into it and...and makes him steal his father's luxury automobile.
Are we even watching the same movie?
Edgar
I think so.
Edgar
Whose house is this?
My biking buddy Conner, his wife Mimi died recently.
Edgar
What happened?
Recumbant bikes have many good qualities but sometimes they're hard to see from up high. The driver of the semi never knew she was there, poor thing was dragged three miles. I've never seen Conner pedal so fast. He kept motioning frantically for the truck to stop. But the driver thought he wanted him honk. She was actually alive until the semi got on the freeway.
Edgar
Well that's the most terrible thing...
Sad thing is Mimi didn't want to go out that day because her safety flag had been stolen outside the junior high but Conner told her that they could stop at the bike store after they raced to Starbucks for tea.
Edgar
Please give my condolences to Conner...
The really sad thing, is that Conner wanted to let Mimi win, because her impetigo had been flaring up again, that's the only reason she reached the intersection first.
Edgar
I don't really need to hear...
The extra sad thing? The whole time she was being dragged towards the on-ramp she was texting Conner, her phone still accessible in its holder on the handlebars. I saw the texts...they're quite chilling.
Do you know what I'd rather experience than long-form improv? Long-form bone cancer.
Edgar
Point taken.
No, I don't think it is. See, you just described an improvised comedy scene to me. That's worse than telling someone about a dream that doesn't feature them sexually. I mean, you've had some awful, awful hobbies, but this is by far the worst. And I'm including heroin and not knowing things are a school.
Edgar
I didn't know it was a school.
What is going on with you?!
The only thing going on with me is I am trying to make-do being stuck in this house, and you're obsessed with this stupid mouse! I know, let's do shots. [Picks up two empty bottles] Oh, my God, we're out of booze.
Good. I think you've had enough.
You've had enough. Edgar! Edgar! We're out of booze.
Edgar
We'll make a run later. [beat] M-Maybe Jimmy's right. Relax.
Relax? Says the guy so riddled with anxiety, he can't sleep through the night without screaming!
Edgar
Yes, well, uh, we all know that I'm taking the prescribed steps to overcome the very common issues caused by combat situations.
Ugh! We know. You were in a war. Get over it! And while you're at it, get over Lindsay. Have enough self-respect not to focus on someone who's still clearly obsessed with her lame, soft ex-husband.
This is really hard for me.
Oh. "Waah. My husband left me for a female him, and now I can't function in life. Waah!"
[Dorothy laughs, causing Gretchen to turn to her]
Oh, and you! Theater girl!
Improv is the lowest form of comedy. That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking, no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.
DDorothy
[into it] Aw, shit.
You're what this town calls a tweener. You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.
Look, as spectacularly entertaining as this is, maybe you should take a breather.
No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer. I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three whole pages before his heroic effort is cut short by the desire to watch Internet porn or get a snack! All of you! Sucking the air out of the room with your self-pity-riddled non-problems! Except you, Vernon. You got real issues. You're married to Becca.
This place is an emotional black hole, and if it wasn't for the runners—yes, they have a name, they're not just "the people," you giant doofus—I would be driving as fast as I could away from you all! But I can't! Because apparently, I live here now, due to completely-beyond-my-control wiring issues for which there will be a lawsuit. Yes! There will be a lawsuit! [sniffles] There will be no lawsuit.
Edgar
I really like the adjustments.
Well, your asinine notes started a thought process of actual, usable fixes. I had to cut the scene in the cockpit of the plane where Joachim Kirschner masturbates during his bombing run on London, but the section is still highly erotic.
DDorothy
Did you take out the thing with Roger spanking his nephew?
What, you let Dorothy read it?!
DDorothy
I thought the sample chapters were great...
Thank you. It's so nice to hear from fans.
DDorothy
...just potentially very alienating to women.
This is literature, okay? It shall sing its own song, uncaring if sensibilities are too delicate. Anyway, it feels like we keep forgetting the proposal's in already. It's done.
DDorothy
Okay. Just so many descriptions of semen on stockings.
Stockings are a sign both of the deprivation of the Second World War and how much the repressed Kitty's slutty little legs wanted semen on them! What is alienating about that?
So you'll tell him, yeah? Thanks.
Edgar
No, no, no way! I... I told enough people that someone that they love died.
I have an idea. When my parents got divorced, they told us at Benihana's so we wouldn't cause a scene. The chef put a shrimp in his hat.
He just put a shrimp in his hat.
No, I mean, telling you in public.
Oh. It totally made us not freak out as much. Except later, I drank my mom's mai tai and climbed on the table 'cause I forgot it was a grill. That's why I don't have footprints.
TTTow Truck Driver
Dreams?
Edgar
Some real bad ones.
TTTow Truck Driver
Hypervigilance?
Edgar
I saw a sniper on the overpass.
TTTow Truck Driver
IEDs in the trash?
Edgar
Yes! Roadside trash is the worst. Why can't they just throw it away?
TTTow Truck Driver
Suicidal thoughts? You know the stats? 22 every day. Though, in truth, there are some Vietnam dudes that are jacking up our numbers, but still.
Edgar
I thought starting today, things would get better. But they don't give a shit.
TTTow Truck Driver
Here's what you got to understand. They're not evil. None of 'em are. The military's job is to sand down our humanity just enough to where we can take a life. That's it. Afterwards, some totally separate branch gets to deal with all these purposely broken motherfuckers. Not only is that impossible with the resources, that's just impossible, period.
Edgar
Yeah, well, then, what are we supposed to do?
TTTow Truck Driver
Not wait for someone to help you. Figure out what works. My man Carter, he hunts all the time. This big chopper pilot I know, he goes to yoga. And we make fun of him, but it seems to work. Jorge hikes the PCT once a year. I got this companion dog. I wanted a big, mean dude, but the organization gave me this little scrub. He saved my life, this guy. This other bro I know locks himself in his bedroom and stabs his closet door. I mean, he's not getting his deposit back, but once the rage passes, he's fine. I know you don't want to hear this, but the minute you stop looking for someone else to cure you, maybe you start living again.
Edgar
You got me in with the pot people. They're the worst people. Worse than people who study abroad or atheists or...
Ooh, what about children of celebrities who pretend that it didn't help their careers.
Edgar
These pot activists leech off of people with legitimate problems in order to further their agenda, which is just getting high! Why did you make me do this?!
I was looking out for your best interests.
Edgar
Yeah, well, I'm done with Dr. Weed.
Hey! If I quit every time my mother pushed me to do something hard, I wouldn't have... I-I... Okay, well, I guess I did quit eventually to start doing drugs and having unprotected sex with college boys. But the point...
Edgar
No! No more advice! I hate you.
[as Edgar leaves] I was only trying to fill your...
[entering] Look what I made! I went to Kinko's. Talked to some undergrads making a 'zine. It's a lovely place. Anyway, turns out I've been living my entire life in opposition to my father. And now that he's dead, I have no idea who I really am. Am I even a writer? Who knows? Maybe I'm meant to be a master carpenter/tree-house architect/singer-songwriter. Anyways, although my zoo animals are likely dead or escaped, I'd like to thank you for taking that router and forcing me to explore the world. Okay. I'm gonna go into the backyard and test some branches for load-bearing capacity.
You know, I almost texted Gretchen again earlier.
Edgar
Jimmy!
No, I didn't do it. I wrote about a hundred drafts, but couldn't get it right. Probably for the best, you know. Out of sight, out of...
[Gretchen bursts into the house, running and stopping abruptly upon seeing Jimmy, who stands up. She slowly steps up to where she is standing over him.]
You're the Worst · 56 quotes
