S1 E1Pilot
KKillian
I just moved in... over there.
KKillian
Why do you say that?
Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators.
KKillian
Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay, too.
I'm not gay. I'm English.
KKillian
You want to hang out sometime?
What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means? [pause] It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light. [pause] So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is?
KKillian
My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early.
You just spit on my vagina.
Why don't spit on my vagina?
It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway.
S1 E2Insouciance
[watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off] This movie has one of the greatest villains of all time.
Yeah. Principal Rooney is so mean.
Rooney? Rooney's not the villain.
Oh, you mean the sister, that girl from...
JEJimmy/Edgar
...Dirty Dancing/Wind.
Okay, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Grey's career? And no, she's not the villain either.
Cameron? No. Cameron's his best friend, Cameron's his sidekick.
Edgar, I think I know a little something about Campbellian storytelling. Ferris is the hero, Jennifer Grey is the foil, Principal Rooney is the fool, Sloane is the sidekick, Cameron's the villain.
Wait, how is Cameron the villain?
Ferris just wants to show Cameron a fun day for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferris's last day of freedom by being a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun!
Cameron's sick, he doesn't even want to go out, but Ferris guilts him into it and...and makes him steal his father's luxury automobile.
Are we even watching the same movie?
S1 E3Keys Open Door
Well, as my grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame. See you later. Thanks for doing all the sex stuff on me.
Sitting is definitely in my top 5 favorite activities.
Eating things. Shutting stupid people down verbally. Bubble baths. Masturbating.
S1 E4What Normal People Do
Day drinking is the best! Aren't we lucky we're both in professions where we can day drink?
Are you in a profession where you can day drink?
They all are if you want it bad enough.
S1 E5Sunday Funday
HHipster
Look! These guys rely on me to come up with awesome, cool, underground cultural shit to do every single week. You know how much pressure that puts on me? I got shingles trying to find a new Ethiopian restaurant.
S1 E8Finish Your Milk
They're my parents! I get to lie to them until I'm old and they're dead, and you don't get a vote! I would never tell your dad to read your book!
That's because he wouldn't let you in the door, because you're a redhead, and he's hated the Irish ever since the IRA blew up his favorite chip shop.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You're the Worst pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
