Lindsay Jillian quotes from You're the Worst

Do you even know what love means?

Lindsay

Yeah, it's like, "Hey, I love you. Smooch, smooch. Now go make me some bagel bites."

Love isn't about having someone to get you things. Love is putting someone else's feelings above your own. Do you think you could ever do that? Honestly?

Lindsay

Ew. [beat] I didn't mean that.

Jimmy

What is going on with you?!

Gretchen

The only thing going on with me is I am trying to make-do being stuck in this house, and you're obsessed with this stupid mouse! I know, let's do shots. [Picks up two empty bottles] Oh, my God, we're out of booze.

Jimmy

Good. I think you've had enough.

Gretchen

You've had enough. Edgar! Edgar! We're out of booze.

Edgar

We'll make a run later. [beat] M-Maybe Jimmy's right. Relax.

Gretchen

Relax? Says the guy so riddled with anxiety, he can't sleep through the night without screaming!

Edgar

Yes, well, uh, we all know that I'm taking the prescribed steps to overcome the very common issues caused by combat situations.

Gretchen

Ugh! We know. You were in a war. Get over it! And while you're at it, get over Lindsay. Have enough self-respect not to focus on someone who's still clearly obsessed with her lame, soft ex-husband.

Lindsay

This is really hard for me.

Gretchen

Oh. "Waah. My husband left me for a female him, and now I can't function in life. Waah!"

Gretchen

Oh, and you! Theater girl!

Yes?

Gretchen

Improv is the lowest form of comedy. That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking, no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.

[into it] Aw, shit.

Gretchen

You're what this town calls a tweener. You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.

Lindsay

You already did me!

Vernon

Do me, do me.

Gretchen

Not worth it.

Vernon

Aw, man.

Jimmy

Look, as spectacularly entertaining as this is, maybe you should take a breather.

Gretchen

And then there's Jimmy.

Jimmy

Aw, shit.

Gretchen

No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer. I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three whole pages before his heroic effort is cut short by the desire to watch Internet porn or get a snack! All of you! Sucking the air out of the room with your self-pity-riddled non-problems! Except you, Vernon. You got real issues. You're married to Becca.

Vernon

Ha! Vernon, ya burnt!

Gretchen

This place is an emotional black hole, and if it wasn't for the runners—yes, they have a name, they're not just "the people," you giant doofus—I would be driving as fast as I could away from you all! But I can't! Because apparently, I live here now, due to completely-beyond-my-control wiring issues for which there will be a lawsuit. Yes! There will be a lawsuit! [sniffles] There will be no lawsuit.

Killer hook, Linds.

Lindsay

Thanks. And guess what. We're going to Fire 103 today to drop the song on Trace's show.

Nice!

Well, I better get back to it. Oh, creating a human life. I got to tell you, it is so fulfilling. But making a grammatical nightmare of a song with Gretchen's psychopath client, that's a really big deal, you know, for you.

Lindsay

Oh, hey. Tomorrow I'm eating runny cheese and going on an inverted roller coaster. Want to come?

[getting it] Okay.

Lindsay

Oh, sorry, I forgot. You can't ever do anything fun because you're ruining your body with some ginger-headed parasite.

Ha!

Whatever. In five months, I will be on a Disney cruise with my family, while you're at divorce court, looking back on the time someone took pity on you and let you sing on their stupid song.

Lindsay

"New Phone Who 'Dis" is not a stupid song. It's about texting!

Gretchen

To think you know how other people should think and feel. That is someone with something seriously wrong with them. That's psychopath behavior.

Lindsay

So what do we do when she finally comes out?

Gretchen

We follow her home and egg her house. Duh. I had a better plan, but apparently pig's blood is, like, 12 bucks a quart.

Gretchen

So you'll tell him, yeah? Thanks.

Edgar

No, no, no way! I... I told enough people that someone that they love died.

Lindsay

I have an idea. When my parents got divorced, they told us at Benihana's so we wouldn't cause a scene. The chef put a shrimp in his hat.

Gretchen

How'd that work?

Lindsay

He just put a shrimp in his hat.

Gretchen

No, I mean, telling you in public.

Lindsay

Oh. It totally made us not freak out as much. Except later, I drank my mom's mai tai and climbed on the table 'cause I forgot it was a grill. That's why I don't have footprints.

Gretchen

Legend has it, there is a bar, a secret bar, so exclusive...

Lindsay

No. We're not doing your stupid scavenger hunt for some dumb bar. You pitch it every Sunday.

Gretchen

It is not just a bar. It is a secret bar with a hidden entrance. A magical land full of beautiful people, and strong beverages, and retro decor, called a speakeasy.

Jimmy

Bye-bye.

Gretchen

Goddammit guys, I need this. I had depression. That is a legit-ass, mental-ass illness. I can't be a pilot. It's a fact. Also, Jimmy's dad died.

Jimmy

Yeah. About which, I didn't care.

Gretchen

And I think we both deserve to have a little fun after all that. Also, there's a bar in L.A. I can't get into. That is unacceptable.

Jimmy

Well, accept it, 'cause I'm not going on a scavenger hunt to find a speakeasy. Easily the worst development in bar culture since Internet jukeboxes and big ice cubes.

Lindsay

Ew, books are gross.

Gretchen

Here Lindser, I got you a book.

Lindsay

Har-har. Here's a book for you. It's called How Not to Be a Bitch for No Reason on Sunday Funday.

Gretchen

Oh, look. Here's one. It's called I'm Living a Double Life, and I Can't Be Myself Around My Husband: The Lindsay Jillian Story, volume two.

Lindsay

Where's volume one?

Gretchen

There is no volume one. You're just that stupid.

Lindsay

[outside a women's health center] So then I heated up the condom in the microwave and I got a turkey baster.

Wait, I need you to back up.

Lindsay

Okay, so I wanted a popsicle...

Gretchen

Lindsay, do not let those pro-life assholes talk you out of your legal right!

Lindsay

It's okay. I was already having second thoughts before this nice lady came over.

Gretchen

What, why?

Lindsay

If Paul and I get divorced, I'm not gonna have a family anymore. Family. Name one family that's just one person.

Gretchen

Suddenly Susan. Listen, I know that becoming a real human being is a scary thing, but I'll help you. I got your back always.

Lindsay

Thanks, Gretch. All right. I'm ready.

Gretchen

Bam, nice try, terrorists. Another victory for women's rights.

Actually, I was gonna tell her to do it. In my book, there are extenuating circumstances--rape, incest, and whatever this is.

Gretchen

So, I forgot to tell you, I had sex with that dummy Ty.

Lindsay

[excitedly throwing clothes, which land on a model] WHAT?!

Gretchen

And then, later that same day, I boned his best friend.

Lindsay

[throwing more clothes] WHAT?!

Should I try a walk, or...

Lindsay

Shut up!

Gretchen

Plus, he's married, so it can't be a thing. That's right--two guys in a row, just like senior prom.