Renfield quotes from Young Dracula

Vlad

(to the Count) Since when did Ingrid ask if you were okay?

Renfield

Shapeshifter!

Ingrid

What's going on in there?

Count

Enter!

Ingrid

(comes in the room) You idiot. You should've known the real McCauley would never kiss you. You're a disgusting, pale, skinny antique.

Vlad

Yep, that's Ingrid.

Vlad

Well, Erin and Malik have been spotted in Paris. Bit some tourists on the Eiffel Tower.

Renfield

Sounds painful.

Ingrid

Admit it, you miss her.

Vlad

I hope she chokes on a garlic snail.

Count

Very well, I promise to... bite you in... thirteen leap years time.

Renfield

Thirteen years?

Count

Thirteen leap years.

Renfield

Thirteen leap years? Hooray! One-nil to Renfield!

Vlad

What's the matter?

Renfield

(tearfully) My hair was out of control... so I got rid of it.

Vlad

Really?

Renfield

Yeah.

Vlad

Most people just switch hair gels.

Vlad

Do you think this room's scary enough?

Renfield

(Laughing) Oh, it's me!

Vlad

I'll take that as a yes.

George

Can I try some?

Sally

Certainly not! I don't even want to imagine what's in it.

Renfield

Well, I started out with a little dash of pig's bile, then a tiny little squeeze of lemming's liver--

Sally

I don't actually want to know what's in it, thank you, Renfield.

Renfield

But I so want to be a vampire, Master. And with all this bother going on, if you were to bite me now I might be able to help, and you were gonna bite me in thirteen leap years time anyway.

Count

(Laughs) Oh, Renfield, Renfield! Is there no limit to the depths of your stupidity? A leap year is made up of four normal years. So thirteen leap years is actually forty! No... sixty! No, that's not right either.

Ingrid

Fifty-two, idiot.

Count

Fifty-two years away and by then, you'll be far too frail and dribbly to bother with.

Renfield

(Sadly) I see. Fooled again.

Count

Well, it's not really that difficult.

Vlad

Come on, Renfield. You're part of the family.

Vlad

...Sort of.

Renfield

When's my birthday, then?

Renfield

And I bet you can't remember my first name either.

Vlad

(Hastily) Keith!... Nigel?

Ingrid

Susan.

Vlad

Susan!

Renfield

It's Percival. Per-ci-val. Oh, you're all gonna pay for that!

Count

Very well. Do that computery thing and... and I'll bite you, you snivelling slug!

Renfield

Oh, no. You're not tricking me again. Bite me first, then I'll give you the code. Two minutes.

Count

You doubt my word?

Renfield

Course I do. Coz you're a big fat liar! Two! Minutes!

Count

Fat?! I'm the same size now as I was back in 1680!

Count

I've created the world's worst vampire.

Renfield

Well, maybe you could give me a few tips.

Count

Yes, yes. Get used to being hungry.

Count

You know, I can't believe I've sold this dump.

Ingrid

I can't believe you're going to Australia.

Count

I've been given a "Get Out of Jail Free" card and I intend to use it, and where better to start than dining on the descendants of our convict cousins?

Renfield

(with an Australian accent) Put another bed on the barbie, gobber! That's Australian-ese!

Count

Please tell me you packed that box.

Vlad

We're taking it to the Himalayas. There's not much oxygen at that altitude. (to Ingrid) You can come with us, if you'd like.

Ingrid

No thanks. I've gotten back my place on the High Council, so I'm off to the old country. I can't wait to bite my first peasant.

(enters the room) Or, you could stay here with me.

Count

You might want to redecorate first, it's a little uh... post-apocalyptic.

Ingrid

You're the new owner?

We are. Made quite a bit of money off that incredibly authentic vampire game, thanks to you.

Ingrid

What?

You own 50%.

Ingrid

(touched) It's what I've always wanted! (hugs Piers) Thank you... a throne of my own.

Vlad

Well, we'd better get moving. Look after yourself, Dad.

Count

Don't I always? Vlad, Vlad, come here.

Count

You know I, uh... I used to be embarrassed to call you my son. But now I'm ashamed I ever doubted you. Vladimir Dracula, you have made a very, very old vampire very, very proud.