Vlad quotes from Young Dracula

Vlad

You can't just go round hitting people.

You're right. The next time one of you is naughty, I shall cut off a limb.

Vlad

(taken aback) What?

Oh, don't be such a baby!

Count

Transylvanian bat vomit - does the job every time.

Vlad

(furious) You're sick and wrong!

Count

(genuinely touched) Oh... thank you, Vladdy.

Renfield

Open wide.

Ingrid

What did I ever do to you?

Count

Gloated at my execution, plotted to overthrow me, left me to die!

Ingrid

Hmmm ... that.

Vlad

I'm not doing it; clean up your own mess.

Count

I'm too busy cleaning up your mess! I have to smooth things over with Von Raculad in person.

Vlad

I only posted him to Transylvania - you garliced Goody McKeldric!

Count

There's a big difference!

Vlad

What?

Count

I didn't get caught.

Vlad

I've been training every night this week!

Count

You still haven't mastered telepathy.

Vlad

I hope you can read this... [he glares at the Count.]

Count

Actually, I can. And in answer, I seriously doubt it would fit.

That's your Mum?

Vlad

Yeah. Dad's gonna go bats when he finds her here.

I'm sensing your mum and dad have got a few issues?

Vlad

Just the usual; lying, cheating, multiple murder attempts.

Vlad

I'm cancelling this right now... how do I do that?

You don't. Only I can cancel the contract.

Vlad

(teeth gritted) You devious, conniving witch!

(slyly) You say all the right things!

Count

I knew you could do it, Vlad. Your message came through clear as a bell; "Come home now, Major A blood for tea".

Vlad

"Major emergency".

Count

Oh. That's not nearly as good.

Vlad

I need your help.

Renfield

(working on a potion) I'm at a critical point.

Vlad

I need you to dress up as a woman and pretend to be Mum.

Renfield

Nothing that can't wait.

Vlad

I had friends. Well, one friend.

Another vampire?

Vlad

No, he was normal.

Vlad

Okay, he wasn't normal... but I still miss him.

So, your sister wrecked your life?!

Vlad

It's kind of her thing.

Vlad

Right, go back to class!

Count

Stay!

Vlad

Go!

Count

Stay!

Vlad

Go!

Count

Stay!

Vlad

Stay!

Count

Go!

Vlad

You heard the man.

Count

Do you see me laughing?!

I have to kiss you?

Vlad

Well, technically, I have to kiss you. It says a kiss from the Chosen One will protect you from the flames.

(smiling) Is that just some excuse to get a cheap snog?

You've got to be the sweetest vampire ever.

Vlad

What can I say? There's not much competition.

Vlad

I'm on fire!

I'll say.

Vlad

No, really!

Vlad

I command you to open! Reveal my destiny!

Ingrid

(entering) "Reveal my destiny!" Very powerful, very compelling and... totally ineffective.