Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? quotes

We're partying in prison, and we crave Carmen's company. Look for her in (continent). (Version C)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's band of belligerent buckaroos are back in the saddle again. This time, they've heisted a hunk of historic heritage from New York Harbor. Ellis Island was the most immigration processing station in the United States. Between 1892 and 1954, more than 16 million newcomers arrived at the dots of this small, partly artificial island in New York Harbor. In fact, about half of the employees here at ACME have grandparents or great-grandparents who came through this country through Ellis. In 1990, thanks to the efforts of a commission, headed by Lee Iacocca, the new Ellis Island Museum of Immigration was opened to preserve the story of their arrival for future generations. But now, this famed gateway to America has been yanked off its hinges. Double Trouble, Carmen's dual devious delinquents, parasailed into New York Harbor, dropped a net over Ellis Island, then speedboated away. Your mission, gumshoes: burst Double Trouble's bubble, return Ellis Island to New York Harbor, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Oh, uh, usually, I get a call from the Chief about this... (sees on the monitor that she is absent from her office) ...time, but-- Chief? She's not there. Lemme go-- Just lemme go check on her. I'm gonna find out. You guys stay here. Just wanna find out. (enters the office) Chief! Hey, Chief! That's funny. The Chief isn't even in here. (sees a note on her desk) Wait a minute. What's this? It's a letter. (sits down; reads letter) It says: "Dear Chief, This is good-bye? I can no longer stand by where you devote all your time to capturing Carmen. What could've been will never be, because what could be can't be, if you won't be and I can't be. So good-bee..." I mean, "-bye. Signed, Horace. P.S.: I can never get used to calling you Chief." Ah! That is so sad! Oh! But I guess that's the price ya pay when ya dedicate your life to fighting crime.

Chief

Oh, Greg, I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, Chief, that's okay.

Chief

I had something in my eye.

Well, that's perfectly understandable. It sure is. Yes, it is understandable.

Chief

What do you mean it's understandable?

Well, Chief, you know, I had my heart broken, too. Yeah. Her name was Patti Fitzbingling-Enhoffendorffer. I called her Patti. And not a day goes by when I still don't think about her, except maybe yesterday, and of course, Tuesday, I didn't think about her...

Chief

Greg, what are you blathering about?!

Well, Chief, we saw the letter, and, you know...

Chief

Oh. That! Oh. (laughs) This is a letter I got when I was just a little Chieflet in the 2nd grade. It's scrap paper! What's important is what I wrote on the back.

(sees the back of the letter) I see. ACME Memo. (reads) "To all Gumshoes, regarding reward, the agent who captures Carmen Sandiego will get a free trip anywhere in North America."

That's great, Chief. Yeah. Uh, Chief, by the way, whatever happened to Horace? Did he get married? Or...

Chief

Go away, Greg.

Maybe it's too personal.

Chief

Greg?

Okay.

Chief

Horace.

Patti. (blows his nose, wipes his tears, and returns to work) Okay, Gumshoes!

(each time Ellis Island is revealed in the 2nd round; the first three are parts of the "Gilligan's Island" theme song)

(as the Blarney Stone is revealed) Blarney Rubble!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's horde of harsh-hearted harpies has struck again. This time, they heinously ham-fisted their way into L.A. In a Los Angeles neighborhood called Watts stands a fantastic triple spires sculpture called Watts Towers. Two of the three towers rise almost 100 feet. Begun about 1921, the towers took 33 years to build. They're made of broken bottles, seashells, shards of tile and china, and all kinds of other scrap parts. Most people didn't recycle back then, but the sculptor was ahead of his time. He was an Italian immigrant named Simon Rodia, and he built them as his personal tribute to the land that took him in. To many residents of this mostly poor urban neighborhood, the towers symbolize hope. In the winter of 1990, Watts Towers was designated a national historic landmark. But now, the landmark is lost because Kneemoi, Carmen's close encounter of the criminal kind, wheezed into Watts, tipped the towers, and towed them away. She said they were just like the flowers on her home planet, Roddenberry. Your mission, gumshoes: neutralize Kneemoi, take back the towers, and then bring Carmen Sandiego to justice.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's barbaric batch of baboons have struck again. This time, it was a case of Mexican mayhem in the Gulf of California. Eons ago, the peninsula of Baja California broke loose from what is now Mexico and drifted northwest, leaving a few islands in its wake. One of them is a beachcomber's paradise named Carmen. The island is home to beaches, wildlife, an abandoned saltworks, and only one man. He looks after the deserted town of Salinas. But today, the population doubled when Vic the Slick slithered ashore. His boss's birthday is coming up and he figured an island named Carmen would be the perfect gift. Stealing it was the easy part. Wrapping it will be tough. Your mission, gumshoes: show Vic he's not so slick, return the island of Carmen to Mexico, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

They're on to you, Vic. Hide Carmen Island on Devil's Island in South America.

You mean the famous prison?

It's not a prison anymore. Now tourists go there believe it or not, and it's in the same place that the launch site used by the European space program.

I didn't know Europe was puttin' people in orbit.

Not people. Satellites. The space program is run as a business. They launch satellites for companies and other nations.

A space business, huh? Geez, those frequent flier miles must really add up.

Okay, gumshoes. Look for Vic in Asir National Park. There's hiking, cool temperatures, and mountain scenery, and it's a Mideast nation with one of the world's largest deserts. The desert's about the size of France, but so hot and so dry that almost no one goes there. No wonder Vic headed for the hills, but you gotta keep the heat on.

(each time Carmen Island is revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her slew of smarmy smugglers have struck again. This time, they burgled a batch of brains in Russia. Moscow's Academy of Medical Sciences is home to a unique group of laboratories, the Brain Institute. For nearly 70 years, scientists there have collected the brains of deceased poets, painters, physicists, and presidents. That grey matter has been sliced, diced, pickled, and tickled, all in an effort to determine whether great minds are anatomically different from the average brain on the street. The lists of noggins in a jar reads like a who's who of the former Soviet union. There's Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, tyrannical dictator Joseph Stalin, writer Maxim Gorky, and poet Vladimir Mayakovsky to name a few. There are even animal brains including those of an Indian elephant and a Mississippi alligator. If you're a fan of frontal lobes, if you crave cortex, if you're serious about cerebellum, this is a place to be. Or it was until Robocrook, that pilfering pile of artificial stupidity, raided the institute and cribbed crania. Gumshoes, your mission is to bring in Robocrook, bring back the brains, and then bring down Carmen Sandiego.

You guys are great. You know what else I like? I like every day, (to Greg) when you come into the office here, (to the Chief) and you tell him (Greg) to...

Well, he really likes that part.

Chief

You, too.

Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office)

I tell ya, Norm Abram would be proud! (laughter)

Here's the story of the Florida city...

Oh, the Brainy Bunch.

The Brainy Bunch.

That is where Robo stashed the Brainy Bunch!

Oh, yeah!

Ba-da ba-da ba-ba-da-bop!

Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen!

(about Robo during The Chase round) He hid out in the capital of Georgia. Name it. (Kristyna buzzes in)

Kristyna?

What is Atlanta? (laughter)

Atlanta's right! Welcome to Jeopardy! and Carmen Sandiego.

(imitates Alex Trebek's voice) Hi. I'm Alex Trebek, and now it's time for final clue of this round (normal voice) which means you have to decide how much you wanna to risk.

Goin' out of my head over you!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her mob of mulish miscreants have marauded again. The dirty deed was done in Deutschland. Begun in the 1930s, the Autobahn was the world's first attempt at creating a national highway system. Today, it winds some 10,000 miles throughout Germany, and is thought to be the only major highway in the world without a speed limit. Well, today, Top Grunge grind his way to Germany and got a grip on the famous roadway. It will be sad faces and slow driving all over the land until their beloved Autobahn is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to release the Autobahn from bondage, topple Top Grunge, and then capture crime queen Carmen Sandiego.

Wow. What a great road. No speed limit! (laughs)

Stop laughing and start leaving, asphalt breath. I want you to haul the highway to N'Djamena. It's the capital of a landlocked African nation.

I don't know, Carmen. Ain't there a war goin' on?

No. The Muslim nomads in the north and the non-Muslim farmers in the south used to fight each other, but that's over. If the city's too risky, head north to the mountains of the Sahara Desert. And get a camel their blanket. It's cold there.

Sounds kinda itchy, Carmen. You know how sensitive my skin is.

That's only because you never washed it.

'Scuse me just one moment. I think I'm getting a message from Kafka. (sets off for The Roach Hotel) Let's check into The Roach Hotel.

Greg, hi. You caught me eating lunch. Anyway, Grunge is on a Peninsula in the Atlantic. Where birds from all over stop on their way south every year. Humans seem to like it, too. The town on the Peninsula's tip is full of lovely Victorian boarding houses and Hotels. The birds like it. The humans like it, but it just isn't damp and stinky enough for a roach like me. Speaking of damp and stinky, I love these things. They're awful.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's crew of craven cretins has struck again. This time, it was a case of evil weevil in Enterprise, Alabama. This is a boll weevil, an insect that damages cotton by laying eggs in the young bud of a plant. A horde of these critters can destroy many acres of cotton. The last thing you'd build a monument to, right? Wrong. This Boll Weevil Monument was erected in Enterprise in 1919. Here's the story: Alabama used to have a one crop economy, and that crop was cotton. But in the early 1900s, the boll weevil got busy. For two years in a row, these hungry little critters ate huge portions of the cotton crop in Coffee County, Alabama before it could be picked. Did the farmers give up hope? Nope, they started raising other things like livestock and peanuts. The state developed a diverse and healthier economy, and wound up more prosperous than it was when they relied on just one crop. And Enterprisians thought it would be nice to thank those esteemed boll weevils for their help. But the insect inspired statue has been stolen. Kneemoi, Carmen's cosmological con artist, beamed into Enterprise, beamed up the monument, and whisked it away. Your mission, gumshoes: neutralize Kneemoi, return the weevil to Enterprise, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's gaggle of greedy goody grampers have grabbed once more. This time, it happened in Africa's most populous country, Nigeria. Nigeria's size and strategic location have made it a center of power in Africa for thousands of years. In recent years, its power and success have come from oil. In the 70s, oil production brought new highways, universities, and lots of new money to Nigeria. It also brought political corruption, pollution, and overcrowded cities. In fact, everyone got so busy with the oil industry that farming almost disappeared. But when oil prices crashed in the 80s, the country's economy crashed, too. Well, yesterday, Top Grunge created another problem. He stole all of Nigeria's oil wells. He likes to stay greasy, so he wants to best petroleum supply all to himself. Gumshoes, your job is to grab the greasy geek, return the oil and then arrest that heinous hooligan Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's band of blasphemous black hearts has struck again. This time, they stole the musical soul from Buenos Aires, Argentina. The Argentines have a rich cultural life reflecting both their European and Native American roots, but if you wanted to sum up their culture with one sound and sight, you might just choose the Tango. The dance and the sensuous brooding music that accompanies it began in the slums of Buenos Aires, and became internationally popular in the 1920s. The fad faded elsewhere, but Argentina developed the Tango into an art form. There are professional exhibitions, dance halls that cater to tangoing couples, and hits tango records. But yesterday, Kneemoi, Carmen's interplanetary instigator, TKO'd the Tango. Just one blast from her subatomic neutralizer and the top tangoers became complete klutzes. Your mission, gumshoes: wrangle the Tango from Kneemoi, return it to Argentina, and then bring Carmen Sandiego to justice.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's pack of pusillanimous punks has prowled again. This time, they clinched their criminal claws around a statue in the African nation in Togo. A monument to a plane wreck might seem strange, but it's one of the main attractions in the town of Sarakawa, Togo. It marks the spot where a plane carrying president Eyadema crashed under very suspicious circumstances in 1974. The president survived the crash and erected and imposing statue of himself at the site. It shows him pointing to the ground and saying, "They almost killed me here." It stood in defiance of the president's enemies until today when Wonder Rat, Carmen's whiskered and witless wannabe, took his tawdry tights to Togo, detached the statue, and scampered away. He left an inflatable Wonder Rat doll in its place. Your mission, gumshoes: snap the trap shut on Wonder Rat, return Edadema's statue to Togo, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

(after Wonder Rat's profile) He's so desperate to promote himself, he'd pose for the photo on a box of rat poison.

ACME's about to trap you. Head for a city whose population went from 0 to 10,000 in one day.

Holy cheese! Why do they hurry?

Because the US government was giving the land away. It's in a state that was called Indian Territory until it was open for settlement. At noon on April 22, 1889, gunshots were fired. That was the signal for thousands of people to charge in and state their claims.

So, the government took Indian Territory and gave it away to other people? Nyah, that's stealin'.

You oughta know, Cheesemeister. Now, move.

Chief

This marker stands at the southernmost point in the US outside of Hawaii, and-- Oh, now, will you look at that? What? See those two names on top? Someone has thoughtlessly put graffiti on it. Let's try to get a closer look on them. (the camera zooms up closer to the top of the marker) Focus on them. Uh,-- Oh, yes. Sue and Janet. Well, I can't quite make out the last name. Well, Sue and Janet, if you're watching this show, how does it feel to have 5,000,000 people know you have defaced public property?

(to the tune of the Bee-Gee's "Stayin' Alive"; when the statue is revealed) Ah, ah, ah, ah, Stayin' Alive! Stayin' Alive!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her brood of bombastic brats have burgled again. This time, they struck in Mudgeeraba, Australia. Now this simple but ingenious device, gumshoes, is a boomerang. Now if you throw it right, it should return to you. Now the boomerang was originally used by Australia's aborigines for hunting warfare and ceremonies. Well, nowadays, it's a popular toy and a souvenir for anyone who visits down under, and this factory in Mudgeeraba, Queensland turns out thousands of them a year. Or it did until this morning when that rustbucket Robocrook marauded to Mudgeeraba and bagged every last boomerang. Gumshoes, your assignment is to wrangle Robocrook, bounce those boomerangs back where they belong, and then catch Carmen Sandiego.

Carmen, ACME is closing in. Send me somewhere safe.

Head for the city of Göteborg by the North Sea. It's in a country where peace and safety are a way of life. It's in the nation of Doug Hammershald, who founded the UN Peacekeeping Force in the middle east.

So, it's peaceful, but is it safe?

Violence is a no-no. It's even illegal for parents to spank their children.

So, the Gumshoes can't spank me?

No, but they can still bust you. Keep out of sight.

Robocrook transmitting from a correctional institute. Carmen Sandiego presently located in South America. Ta-ta.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's horde of heisted hooligans has heisted again. This time, they hid a college just outside of San José, Costa Rica. The University of Costa Rica is the nation's largest, oldest, and one of the most prestigious institutes of higher learning. Its some 28,000 students follow a rigorous schedule which begins in February and ends in December. Although similar in many ways a U. S. university, Costa Rican educational requirements are particularly demanding. Students must complete 300 hours of community service and write a thesis or pass a graduate exam in order to earn their degree. Now, school's out for good in Costa Rica because the university has disappeared. Patty Larceny, Carmen's brainy burglarizer, pretended she was taking final exams, but took the whole school instead. Your mission, gumshoes: put the padlock on Patty, return the University of Costa Rica, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

(sings to the tune of Alice Cooper's "School's Out") School's out forever!

Nice job. Rockapella, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's mob of mendacious mutants has struck again. This time, they dipped their duplicitous ditches in San Antonio, Texas. In 1836, the Alamo was a site of an epic battle during Texas' war for independence from Mexico. For 12 long days, about 190 Texans held off an attack by thousands of Mexican soldiers. But on the 13th day, the Alamo was stormed and the Texan defenders were killed. When we say "Remember the Alamo," it's their brave fight we recall. But now, this Texas landmark is just a memory because the Alamo has disappeared. Robocrook, that pile of pilfering processes, stormed San Antonio, lassoed the Alamo, then hauled it away. Your mission, gumshoes: short circuit Robocrook, return the Alamo to Texas, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Robo, the gumshoes are after you. Head for a country just south of Chad.

Orders acknowledged. Will I encounter communication problems, due to numerous tribal languages?

Not here. There're more than 80 different ethnic groups living together, but many speak a common language called Sango.

Ah, good. I've learned Sango in high school. Could you suggest a location for food?

Of course. Try the restaurant in the city of Bangui. You'll find everything from cooked monkeys to warthogs.

Just a nice simple dish of axle grease would suffice.

(each time the Alamo is revealed)