Weeds quotes

122 total quotes



All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 3   Season 4   Season 5  



Andy: Runway?
Doug: You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.
Andy: That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
Doug: What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
Andy: It's a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: This is a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.

Josh: If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. If there's no grass in their field, no weed will they yield.

Guidance Counselor: (Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-
Shane: "Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.
Guidance Counselor: Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.
Shane: Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.
Guidance Counselor: I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.
Shane: Whatever, I don't care.
Guidance Counselor: I think you do care. A great deal.
Shane: Yeah, about what?
Guidance Counselor: You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.
Shane: Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?
Guidance Counselor: Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.
Shane: I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
Guidance Counselor: How do I know that?
Shane: ‘Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
Guidance Counselor: You may go.

Andy: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Hey, Randy.
Andy: Andy, it's Andy.
Doug: Oh really? I thought... It's not Randy?
Andy: (Andy shakes his head)
Doug: I've always thought of you as a Randy.
Andy: Pretty sure.
Doug: Hmm, wow. Okay.
Andy: Lookin' for Nancy?
Doug: Yeah, I am, is she around?
Andy: No, you can try her cell phone.
Doug: Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?
Andy: Ha, yeah.
Doug: Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.
Andy: That's a strong endorsement.
Doug: It is. Oh... I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?
Andy: That'd be kinda weird
Doug: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.
Andy: Hey hey hey, spoiler.
Doug: You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.
Andy: Come on in.

Andy: Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.
Nancy: ‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?
Ms. Greenstein: Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.
Andy: 10 years?
Ms. Greenstein: Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.
Nancy: So, no jail time?
Ms. Greenstein: You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
Andy: Oh, that's bullshit.
Ms. Greenstein: I don't understand, that's good news.
Andy: I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.
Nancy: They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.
Ms. Greenstein: Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
Nancy: So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
Ms. Greenstein: That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
Nancy: What if the marijuana is in baked goods †say, candy or chocolate?
Ms. Greenstein: (Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.
Nancy: What would get their attention?
Andy: If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?
Ms. Greenstein: All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.
Nancy: What about growing?
Ms. Greenstein: Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.
Nancy: Years?
Ms. Greenstein: Probation.
Nancy: So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?
Ms. Greenstein: Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.
Nancy: Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.
Ms. Greenstein: What's your business?
Nancy: I own a bakery.
Ms. Greenstein: Smart cover. Call anytime.

Andy Botwin: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.
[Doug Wilson nods in agreement]
Andy Botwin: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.
Doug Wilson: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]
Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?
Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?
Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?
Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.
Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

Andy Botwin: What are they teaching you at school?
Shane Botwin: [Sarcastically] Like how to pass the standardised tests to give the school more funding!

Heylia James: Yeah, lookin' in the dictionary the other day, saw your picture sittin' up in there. Right next to "Dumb ass white bitch."

Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
Nancy: Please leave.
Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!
Nancy: I can't do this right now.
Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy: (Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.
Andy: Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.
Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Andy: If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, least we can take a joke

Celia Hodes: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.
Season 5

Andy: You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

Andy: Hey pants
Nancy: Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

Andy Botwin: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.
Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.