Weeds quotes

122 total quotes

All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 3   Season 4   Season 5  

Celia Hodes: Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?
Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

Celia Hodes: I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.
Drug rehab's group counselor: [after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.

Celia Hodes: Why do gay men hate women so much?
Gay Stylist: Because we all had mothers like you!
Season 3

Celia: (A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?
Nancy: My ring?
Celia:Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.
Nancy:It's in the shop.
Celia:Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.
Nancy:Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Celia: (Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.
Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.
Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

Celia: Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)
Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: None of your business
Celia: Oh come on, tell me
Nancy: Okay, I slept with a woman in college
Celia: How was it?
Nancy: Boring.
Celia: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.
Nancy: She said I was the best she'd ever had.
Celia: What are you doing Friday night?

Celia: He always did excellent work down there... Piece of shit.
Tennis Pro: IS that what you think? He's shit?
Celia: You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Celia: He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.

Celia: High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

Celia: I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like an African famine baby.

Celia: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy: Bigger?
Celia: Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Celia: Is your mom home?
Shane: Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.
Celia: Well, tell her I stopped by.
Shane: Okay... I like your jacket.
Celia: Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
Shane: Everyone thinks I'm weird.
Celia: Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
Shane: I really don't care what they think.
Celia: Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.
Shane: Really?
Celia: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.
Shane: But you have cancer.
Celia: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.
Shane: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
Celia: For what?
Shane: For telling me the truth.
Celia: You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

Celia: Jesus-Loves-You-Judy loves her hillbilly heroine.

Celia: You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.