Weeds quotes

122 total quotes

All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 3   Season 4   Season 5  

Heylia James: Yeah, lookin' in the dictionary the other day, saw your picture sittin' up in there. Right next to "Dumb ass white bitch."

Heylia: We should start that in this neighborhood. Call it the "I'm getting' skinny ‘cause some nigger stole my food" diet.

Nancy Botwin: Maybe black people need to start stealin' a little bit bigger.
Conrad Sheperd: Maybe fuckin' so.

Conrad: You should never question Heylia's eyeballin'. That's the Rainman of weed, right there.

Silas Botwin: What? Who told you that? She's totally deaf. And Dennis Kling says there's nothing wrong with her tongue.

Hunter [On television]: (In tree-stand) Next time we go bow huntin'. Guns are for pussies. (Now, running from a bear) I told you! You can't miss the bear!

Josh: Shit hasn't gone this fast since the Passion of the Christ.
Nancy: People got stoned for the Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass. It's a straight up snuff film.

Josh: If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed. If there's no grass in their field, no weed will they yield.

Nancy: (Sees Shane get knocked down on soccer field) Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?!
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.

Shane Botwin: Can we go home now, please?
Nancy: It's not even half-time.
Shane: I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.

Shane: Actually, you should alternate cold and hot every 20 minutes.
Devon Rensler: Don't even talk to me weirdo.

Shane: I am so dead, I am so dead. Is he coming?
Silas: There's no one chasing you, Shane. Oh man, are you wearing lipstick?
Quinn: It's not lipstick. It's fruit punch.
Shane: I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.
Silas: Well that was stupid.
Shane: He called me "Orphan boy."
Silas: He's a fuckwad.
Quinn: Did you hit him?
Shane: No, just grazed him.
Silas: Oh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.
Quinn: What bear?
Shane: I missed the bear... The shot was no where near his optimum kill zone.
Quinn: What are you talking about?
Silas: Don't you watch bear hunt? On the wilderness channel.
Quinn: Somehow I've missed it.
Shane: It's only the best show in the history of television!
Silas: Every week these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.
Quinn: That's horrible
Shane: No, it's so awesome!
Silas: Right, right, right
Shane: You've gotta bring enough gun to get the job done. Oh! And tell her about CGS!
Silas: Whoa, Shane, you're gonna wet yourself.
Shane: Shut up, you're just as into it.
Silas: Carter Grizzly Sike. He's the host. At the end of the show �
Shane: He's got the head of the bear that they shot that week.
Silas: Right, right, and he leaves you with, like, these wise parting words like (in a red neck accent), "You can't miss the bear or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on Christmas morning."
Quinn: Okay, we are breaking up.
Silas: Come on, think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," and I'll be good to go.
Quinn:: I could whisper "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.

Shane: I think pink's really your color, you fuckwad!

Shane: Do you think I'm weird?
Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. ��nd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.
Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?
Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.

Celia: Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)
Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?