Veep · Season 1
Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call. The message was, "Please don't fucking call me again." So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherfucker?
Was that a journalist?
Yes.
Oh, God! What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother!
Her mother, actually.
What the hell.
The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
I know.
We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.
Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?
Actually, my name is Dan Egan.
[to Mike] Did you find out who the President's playing golf with? [off of Mike's expression] Golf! You know, men walking around with sticks, talking about their careers.
Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.
Are you kidding me?
Not great, admittedly.
"Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.
'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66 percent disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.
How you feeling?
Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea: let's put me onstage.
Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People—
I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!
You know those dreams where your football coach is, like, screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and all your teeth fall out? That's like a Disney version of the Congressional Committee!
[regarding Kent Davison] He's got ice in his semen.
You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?
No.
Yeah. My good friend POTUS? My Gamma Chi brother? He's gonna summon me to his office, he's gonna show me a sword, and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass!
[regarding Kent Davison] The Pol Pot of pie charts! Wow, that guy is ruthless!
Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.
Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the fucking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.
Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Veep pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
