TV show quotes
No breakfast for this guy.
Who's offering?
You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.
What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.
Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.
The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.
Move to rule it an overvote.
Hey, Grimace. What are you... [She looks behind her] No, no, no, not you, the other person in the room who looks exactly like Grimace. That is not an overvote! You need to trust me on this, because I've been doing this since before your mother was throwing herself down the stairs belly-first. You want me to get you some glasses? Maybe I'll call in Mayor McCheese, he can come in here and explain election procedures to you?
Can I really blame another country for something they didn’t do?
It’s been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.
Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something. The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.
Christ, Kent, know your audience.
I think that there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.
Where?
I do not know.
How many?
I do not know.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
Never heard back from you. Late night?
Sophie told you?
What? No. Gross.
You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.
[laughs] Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.
Mike (confronting Congressman Furlong): This is my table.
And this is my fat Johnson, and you can suck it, as long as you don't put your dirt, gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?
I hope Mee-Maw's okay.
She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.
It's true.
She's like that guy... that guy...
Lazarus.
Rasputin.
[re: Selina's team failing to stop the recount and win Nevada]
Well, maybe I'll get assassinated.
You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.
The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.
You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.
I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.
Please don't have him sign the guest book.
Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.
Why would China go through Qatar?
Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.
They're into ass play?
No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.
I'll bet they're into ass play, too.
[on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?
Or how to cook a fucking turkey?
Any news on Sherman?
CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...
Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!
Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.
Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.
We have a list of vetted names here.
Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.
Excuse me?
You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!
So who's your choice?
You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.
Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!
Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.
Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.
We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.
So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?
[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.
Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...
Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?
No, I want you to run.
You want me to run his campaign?
No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?
Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!
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