I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.
S1 E5Lard
You taste of lard!
"Louise, you have the morals of a magpie who haunts the same gene pool as Adolf Hitler and Anthea Turner"
S1 E6Ugly Babies
I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
You've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time.
Don't you know how much babies cost? More than a Peugeot!
We got our women pregnant at the same time. We've got telepathic testicles.
My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.
Jonny, I'm not Pregnant.
Thank fuck for that!
Pissing outside is one of life's greatest pleasures.
Well what? Is it me? Do I repulse you? Look, I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena you will be mine" at the moment of climax.
What is a hulk anyway?
I’m not sure. I think it’s a cross between hunk and bulk. Of course, you can’t have The Incredible Hunk, 'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
Yeah, and you can’t have The Incredible Bulk...'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
S2 E1On the Blob
[to Donna] I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but… would you like to go for a drink sometime?
They may have a sneeze guard but it's no match for embryotic fluid!
Now, let me think. When did I last see my own clout?
S2 E2Bungle
You two should never talk. You've got one of them relationships based on lust and you must never lose that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.