Berg quotes from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place

Berg

I don't flirt with women Ashley, I talk to them. Is it my fault it comes out like music?

Berg

Why can't you just let me be happy?

Pete

Because it's not fair to the rest of us!

Sharon

What's up with him?

Berg

He's breaking up with Melissa.

Sharon

Good.

Pete

What? I thought you liked her.

Sharon

I lied!

Berg

I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together!

Pete

And?!

Berg

And she never wants to see you again!

Berg

Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today.

Pete

Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be Philosophy majors.

Berg

It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago.

Pete

You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book!

Berg

That's the wonder of me!

Berg

Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh?

Pete

I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today.

Berg

Oh, boy! We have to be at work at three?

Pete

China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong.

Berg

Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing.

Pete

Alright, you can't tell anyone.

Berg

As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue.

Pete

I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry.

Berg

You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us.

Berg

Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this feisty young girl from Wisconsin!

Bill

Don't talk into the food.

Pete

I can't do this with you guys leering.

Berg

I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble.

Bill

I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work.

Berg

This is harmless.

Bill

Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop.

Melissa

Hey, Berg, what have you done to him?

Berg

Hey, this wasn't me, cause I'm the one who said he shouldn't break up with you!

Pete

No!

Melissa

I don't believe you!

Pete

No, I wasn't! He's evil!

Melissa

He may be evil, but at least he's honest!

Bill

Sharon, if you don't like it, quit. Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love.

Sharon

You're right! I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart!

Bill

Absolutely right.

Sharon

Yeah, I'm motivated!

Bill

Yes, you are.

Sharon

I'm a people person!

Bill

I got to go back and count my pepperonis.

Sharon

I am! Aren't I, Berg?

Berg

Shar! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you.

Sharon

Hey!

Berg

No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you!