Why can't you just let me be happy?
Because it's not fair to the rest of us!
What's up with him?
He's breaking up with Melissa.
Good.
What? I thought you liked her.
I lied!
I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I went over there to get you two back together!
And?!
And she never wants to see you again!
Hey! Come watch women's softball with me today.
Hey! I gotta go to class! You see, Berg, we can't all be Philosophy majors.
It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me four thousand years ago.
You triple-majored in undergrad and you never even opened a book!
That's the wonder of me!
Who poured you a double mocha of grumpy this morning, huh?
I'm not grumpy! It's just I spent all night on this, I've got a test in structures, we have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today.
Oh, boy! We have to be at work at three?
China's taking back the lease on Hong Kong.
Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing.
Do you see me shopping for a ring? Noooo! Thusly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for our lease to run out.
Alright, you can't tell anyone.
As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue.
I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards: why it's best for her, the yellows: why we should still stay friends, and the pinks: things to say when she starts to cry.
You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us.
(to Pete) I just want you to know I support you 100% (turns away) Bill, it's starting!
Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this feisty young girl from Wisconsin!
Don't talk into the food.
I can't do this with you guys leering.
I always leer. She'd be suspicious if I weren't leering. She'd be like, "Why isn't Berg leering?" 'Berg Leering'. Isn't that a type of Merlot? Maybe it's a Cabernet. (into voice recorder) 3.10: starting to babble.
I thought I told you no more experiments. They interfere with your work.
This is harmless.
Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop. They had to follow you around with a mop.
The shark's coming right at me and I only have one bullet left! I think, huh, I'm a goner! Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth, what do you think I do?
You shot the tank and the shark blew up(!)
I shot the tank! And the shark blew up!
You're a brave man, Mr. Bauer.
Then, you and Richard Dreyfuss swam back to shore! Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer.
(laughing) Yeah, that was a hell of a day!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.