Tracey Ullman's Show quotes

Oi! I saw that. Do you want me to call the police?

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, it's you, isn't it?

If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench? Then, yes, it is. How very nice to meet you.

Sorry about that. There must be something wrong with the security camera.

Yes, well, they can be temperamental.

I loved you in James Bond.

Oh, we just try to tell a good story. And thank you.

What was I thinking? Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift. You're a national treasure.

Exactly. And because I'm a national treasure, I could get away with anything. But, of course, I don't.

I believe there is a special name for Star Trek fans. [beat] Idiots.

What's this?

It was awful! Somebody came over and did such terrible damage to your tablet!

Well, who was it?

An extra, I think. I wanted to shout, but I couldn't. I was quite afraid.

Unbelievable. You know, the same thing happened to Rickman and Cumberbatch.

Yes, that was very unfortunate.

Both on days they were working with you...

Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting it could have been me. I'm a national treasure, I would hardly break all your devices just for the thrill of getting away with it!

[chuckles] No. No, of course not. Sorry.

It was an unfortunate accident.

Yeah. It's backed up. My laptop was in my trailer, that's got my whole life on it. So as long as no-one sets that on fire...!

Oh, God forbid! The plume of smoke would be seen for miles around. Will you tell the director I'll be right back?

[singing] My economists told me we'd be talking a week

That's my apple.

There you are.

Thank you.

You're getting very pretty, Jessamine. Tell your mummy you can be a Page 3 girl in a couple of years.

Mummy, the witch says I can be a Page 3 girl!

Yes. This is Mother's little joke. She always said that when the terrorists get rewarded with their 72 virgins, they'll be terribly disappointed if I'm one of them.

You see, the problem is, you're all playing it like Eddie bloody Redmayne. Where is the range? I mean, what do you think of when I say range?

Rover?

An Aga.

Oh, Jesus.

Mein Gott! These fuck me shoes are killing me!

But Angela also had a serious side. Wars, to Angela's mind, were generally a bad thing, as was...Kim Kardashian's new hair, opinions she would freely share with her beloved Twitter. Yes, she had only twelve followers, but let us not forget, so did Jesus.

My name is Romana. I am from Hungary. I was barista, but in 2014 my boyfriend strangled me outside that pub after he said I'd been sleeping with his mate, although I hadn't, as the inquest proved.

Return to the spirit world, Romana! May you find peace there.

Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh!

Erm, excuse me, that's really horrible.

Well, it's a murder horror tour.

But we thought it would be about past stuff.

Well, it is in the past.

More in the past.

Well, so, if someone's throat was slashed hundred years ago, that's entertainment, but if they were slowly garrotted yesterday behind Waverley Station bowling alley, then that's bad, is it?

Steph Moore. I represented Charlize Theron before the restraining order.

What's this?

You have been coming here for one year today.

This is your anniversary panini. It's on us.

Tuna melt. That's my favourite. Cake would make more sense?

Cake does not have best before date of today, so...

Oh.

Merry Christmas. You're watching BBC One. I'm Clare Balding and I'm your continuity announcer for today. When they were doing the rota for holiday working at the BBC this year, lots of people wanted to be away over the Crimbo holidays, although I can't imagine why, so I said, "I'll lend a hand on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, all the way through to New Year, whatever you need, because I just want to help."

I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my Christmas message to the nation. The Queen deserves a year off, and let's face it, some people say she's gone a bit stale. Not me. Au contraire. This is a time for reflection. Regret for those who have passed on and more regret for those who are still lingering about. It's time to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves, like those with just the one Oscar. Poor dears. It's a time when we ought to think of giving gifts, and by we, I mean you. Hampers from Fortnum's and Berry Brothers are acceptable, but do not buy a goat in my name. Whenever will I get the chance to feed it? With my knees. But in the main, it's a time for hitting the sherry from one of the aforementioned hampers - oh, Selfridges, if you must - and then drunk dialing Benedict Cumberbatch and informing him of exactly what one would do to him if one was 40 years younger. And it would take all 12 days, I can tell you.

[singing] I thought they were my friends