Philip May quotes from Tracey Ullman's Show

What's that?

Philip May

Oh, just a little something to help you. It's a CD to teach you how to talk to humans. You just listen to the phrases, and then repeat what they say.

How are you?

Strong and stable.

Philip May

No - repeat what it says.

The weather has been uncomfortably warm.

That's Jeremy Corbyn's fault.

Philip May

Yeah, we'll try again later, shall we?

Yes.

Philip May

What are you up to, old thing?

I'm looking for cameras. Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching us?

Philip May

Right now? I don't think so. Well, the Russians probably are. And the CIA, I imagine. And MI6 won't want to feel left out, but other than that, no. What's brought all this on?

Well, I was flying back from the G7 and I decided to relax.

Philip May

Oh, good, did you?

No, but I decided to, and that's a start. So I thought, "I'll watch a film. "Well, I couldn't watch Paddington because it's about an illegal immigrant with no skills. And I couldn't watch The Shape Of Water because Arlene Foster wouldn't approve of sexual relations with fish men.

Philip May

Especially outside marriage.

So I watched a film called The Truman Show.

Philip May

Oh, I see where this is going.

Hear me out, Philip. Because it all adds up. Ever since I became Prime Minister, things have been utterly bizarre. It's all too bad to be true. I held an election against a man who was supposed to be unelectable. I didn't win, but I had to carry on regardless. Anyone in the Cabinet who likes me has to resign and I'm forced to promote rejects from the bin of Dr Frankenstein. But And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe and we need allies, the US elects a shouting Scotch egg. And he's in peace negotiations with North Korea, but on the brink of war with Canada. Canada! And I have to rely on the DUP, who don't like gay people, but the Scottish Conservatives are led by a pregnant lesbian. None of it adds up.

Philip May

Yes, but, darling, you did win on the Brexit Amendment.

That's because they have to keep me on the show. It's all designed to torment me. I'm trapped inside The Theresa Show. And the audience is voting for what humiliation I suffer next.

Philip May

That came for you. More shoes?

Yes. Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress. That and closing libraries. If only we could get a trade deal from somewhere, Philip. Something that could really rally the country and shut Boris up for five minutes.

Philip May

It is an awfully big box.

Yes, they use so much packaging. Pull here. And

Witch hunt!

Oh, Mr President. What a pleasant... shock.

I thought, hey, why don't I do a practice run to the united England? I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets who all love me. After this, you can post me to the North Korea summit. I'm not going to the summit! I am going to the summit. I am going and I'm not going to the summit.

So you came all the way in this box? Was it a good journey?

It was tremendous. I watched Black Panther on my phone. You know, I truly believe that if I had been in that fight on that waterfall, for the Kingdom of Wakanda, I would have won it very easily. A very popular king. The best king. Oh, what's that? Is that the Brexit button? Can I push it?

No, don't. That calls the SAS, so best not to.

Philip May

You know what? Since he's here

Oh, that's a good idea, Philip. Donald, we would love for you to sign this, it's just a little trade deal to show the world that Brexit isn't a slow, creeping catastrophe. Sorry, it's a HUGE trade deal.

Ooh!

The biggest one of all time.

Oh, OK. Well, I'll sign it. But first, let's talk about me. Who am I going to golf with when I come here? I mean, not you. You're not famous. (indicating Philip) And you're not hot. (indicating Theresa)

Philip May

We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities about that, but they say they're washing their hair.

All of them?

Philip May

No, some of them said they were dead.

Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people would love to play golf with you, and as soon as you sign this, we can call more of them.

Uh Wait, I want to threaten nuclear war with North Korea real quick. (Tweets on phone) I'm bored. What are we doing now?

Well, um, you're signing this trade deal.

No, I mean tonight. What do you guys do on the weekend?

I like to stay in and then I go to church.

Philip May

Sometimes you mix things up a bit.

Yes, I go to church and then I stay in.

I don't believe in God. I am very religious.