Simon Pegg quotes from Tracey Ullman's Show

Where am I? What's this all about?

Let me tell you a story, Mr. Pegg, about a wee girl who loved Star Trek, and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where no man had gone before was a Scot. A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie! And then she discovered that James Doohan was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton and he was, in fact, from Vancouver!

That's in Canada.

Thank you, wee Mhairi. Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot. Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian, but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire, who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar!

What do you want from me?

I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring from the role. And then you're going to call your wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star in a film that I've written.

Braveheart 2? Look, this is madness. And, anyway, Tom Cruise is an American.

Ah, not when Operation Neeps and Tatties goes into effect. Show him, Mhairi.

That's crazy!

There's more. East Scotland.

Don't tell me, England becomes South Scotland.

No, that stays English. We've no interest in that little bit whatsoever.

This is ludicrous. You're insane!

You might think so, but I won't rest until there is a branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill in every major capital city in the world, and "Donald Where's Your Troosers?" is the worldwide national anthem! Mhairi, take Mr Pegg to his quarters and shout your maiden speech to Parliament in his ear, until he comes round to our way of thinking!

No!

Thank you, Madam Deputy Speaker, for calling me to such an important debate...