Tracey Ullman's Show quotes

Well, Madam, do you know this lady?

I've never seen her before in my life.

But it's me, Judi! We did the Marigold Hotels together.

Yes, and I got second billing.

You can't do this to me!

Oh, I think I can. I'm a national treasure.

How many mother-in-laws is that?

Oh, that'll be £84, please.

So that's four big mother-in-laws and one little mother-in-law.

Thank you.

Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?

Yeah. We do, yeah.

Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.

Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel. I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.

Why settle for a German Europe when you can have a Scottish world?

Well? What did she say?

Birgit

Not much.

Did she talk about me?

Birgit

Not really.

Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair?

Birgit

She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand.

I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all, Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends.

Birgit

Ja.

Was ist das?

Birgit

She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet. Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster. It's very clever. Do you want it for your collection?

No. What else did she give you?

Birgit

I think she might have offered me a job.

What?! I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss.

Birgit

Angela! Please!

If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body.

Birgit

Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me.

Open up! Nein, this is not room service! Why are you wearing my jacket?!

Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog. Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye, and my agent said it was this or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen of the Geordie persuasion.

LGBTIQHA. You have to say the lot these days, otherwise you are labelled an RTOWWAGM. That's a racist, trans-phobic old woman with a grey minge.

And this is our psychiatric ward.

Oh. Can you smoke in here?

I'm afraid not.

Well, no wonder they're all going mad!

This is one of our patients. This is Mr Hollis.

Hello. You're a bit crackers, are you?

Well, I...

I tell you what really helps - a good, strong gin. I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't have one of those at 11am everyday. It's medicinal.

Could we offer you a tea, maybe? Or a coffee?

No, not for me.

Some water?

I can't drink water. Fish fuck in it! That's what I always say. Oh, I'll take some of these, though. [Camilla takes a handful of sugar cubes off a tray] The horses bloody love them!

Our guest's arrived.

Ah, Mr Simon Pegg.

Where am I? What's this all about?

Let me tell you a story, Mr. Pegg, about a wee girl who loved Star Trek, and was thrilled that amongst those boldly going where no man had gone before was a Scot. A Scot so Scottish he was called Scottie! And then she discovered that James Doohan was about as Scottish as Dolly Parton and he was, in fact, from Vancouver!

That's in Canada.

Thank you, wee Mhairi. Fast forward 30 years, and I hear they're doing a reboot. Surely this time Scottie will be portrayed by a fine Caledonian, but no - the role goes to a poncey Sassenach from Gloucestershire, who thinks that porridge is made with milk and sprinkled with sugar!

What do you want from me?

I want you to call your wee friend JJ and tell him you're retiring from the role. And then you're going to call your wee, wee friend Tom Cruise and tell him that he's going to star in a film that I've written.