Camilla Parker Bowles quotes from Tracey Ullman's Show

How many mother-in-laws is that?

Oh, that'll be £84, please.

So that's four big mother-in-laws and one little mother-in-law.

Thank you.

Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?

Yeah. We do, yeah.

Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.

And this is our psychiatric ward.

Oh. Can you smoke in here?

I'm afraid not.

Well, no wonder they're all going mad!

This is one of our patients. This is Mr Hollis.

Hello. You're a bit crackers, are you?

Well, I...

I tell you what really helps - a good, strong gin. I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't have one of those at 11am everyday. It's medicinal.

Could we offer you a tea, maybe? Or a coffee?

No, not for me.

Some water?

I can't drink water. Fish fuck in it! That's what I always say. Oh, I'll take some of these, though. [Camilla takes a handful of sugar cubes off a tray] The horses bloody love them!

Now, would you like anything to drink?

Yes, please.

Gin or vodka?

Um Coffee?

Christ, one of those health nuts. How do you take it, gin or vodka?

Milk?

Well, it's out there in the cow. Do help yourselves. Just pull the bit at the bottom.