Maggie Smith quotes from Tracey Ullman's Show

I believe there is a special name for Star Trek fans. [beat] Idiots.

I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my Christmas message to the nation. The Queen deserves a year off, and let's face it, some people say she's gone a bit stale. Not me. Au contraire. This is a time for reflection. Regret for those who have passed on and more regret for those who are still lingering about. It's time to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves, like those with just the one Oscar. Poor dears. It's a time when we ought to think of giving gifts, and by we, I mean you. Hampers from Fortnum's and Berry Brothers are acceptable, but do not buy a goat in my name. Whenever will I get the chance to feed it? With my knees. But in the main, it's a time for hitting the sherry from one of the aforementioned hampers - oh, Selfridges, if you must - and then drunk dialing Benedict Cumberbatch and informing him of exactly what one would do to him if one was 40 years younger. And it would take all 12 days, I can tell you.

Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel. I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.

Hello, I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my vlog. Well, I had to keep myself in the public eye, and my agent said it was this or eating a kangaroo's eyeball under the gaze of two gentlemen of the Geordie persuasion.

Well, Madam, do you know this lady?

I've never seen her before in my life.

But it's me, Judi! We did the Marigold Hotels together.

Yes, and I got second billing.

You can't do this to me!

Oh, I think I can. I'm a national treasure.