Birgit quotes from Tracey Ullman's Show

Birgit

Try harder! You're a chancellor, not a GIF!

Well? What did she say?

Birgit

Not much.

Did she talk about me?

Birgit

Not really.

Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair?

Birgit

She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand.

I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all, Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends.

Birgit

Ja.

Was ist das?

Birgit

She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet. Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster. It's very clever. Do you want it for your collection?

No. What else did she give you?

Birgit

I think she might have offered me a job.

What?! I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss.

Birgit

Angela! Please!

If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body.

Birgit

Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me.

Uberraschung. Surprise!

Birgit

What are you doing here?

Well, I suddenly thought to myself, why should I help to clear all this mess up? The British can scoop their own poop. So, I arranged a private meeting with the CEO of Boots, and I let them get on with it.

Birgit

Wunderschon!

Yes, besides, I never see London, you know? I just see the airports and the conference centre, and Theresa May talking about Brexit means Brexit, means Shmexit, means argh... Oh, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hairspray!

Birgit

Oh, you would love London, Angela. Look, it is full of German things.

I saw a Lidl.

Birgit

Ja?

Ja.

Oh, look at this man drinking a Pilsner in the morning. He must be a great supporter of our German brewing industry.

Birgit

Look, dachshunds!

Birgit

This is more German than Germany.

Ja. Oh, Burgit, what are they going to do without us?

Birgit

Oh, I don't know, mein Chancellor. These people, they look so sad.

Maybe I should invite them all to come and stay at my place?

Birgit

Like those Syrian friends of ours?

Ja, ja, why not? Who knows? It's an open house.

Birgit

Nein. You will have shitloads of the Brits paddling across the Channel. These people are desperate.

Birgit

Selfie!

It's naughty.

Birgit

Ooh! Ja!

Ja!

Birgit, have you seen this? All these poor actresses earning less than their male co-stars. I mean, come on, people! It's 2018.

Birgit

It's disgusting, is vat it is.

Ja. These poor woman living in the shadow of this male-led system in which they are horribly outnumbered and over Birgit, vat if all the male world leaders are earning big bucks and I am making half of what they do? Vat if I am Michelle Williams and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs?

Birgit

Don't be so ridiculous. You are not Michelle Williams.

Although...?

Birgit

Although you do look like sisters. But there's no way the Greek PM is earning more than you.

Oh, I didn't mean the Greek one. He probably makes less than you do!

No, but what about the Putins and the Trudeaus and the Macrons?

Birgit

Ja, but that is not a fair comparison. Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from calendars alone.

And Putin bare-chested on that horse sells an awful lot for a country with no gays.

Birgit

OK, it is time for the video chatten.

Ah, yeah, you know who I should call? Emmanuel Macron. Very important German-Franco issues to cover. It's very pressing.

Birgit

But, Mein Chancellor, you have Skyped him five times this morning.

Well, we have much to discuss, and his eye for the mature sex machine is of no relevance. None.

Birgit

You know who you must sprechen ze with, and you can't put it off one minuten longer.

No! I don't want to talk to Herr Trump! He hates me and I hate him more, and not like you see in the romen-kommen just before they start kissing.