Top Gear · Season 11
[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
[shouting] Nice work!
No, they're going to be a couple of.
[Richard has just recovered the seats of his Alfa with Jeremy's jacket]
Recovering the seats, brilliant. I've taken...
Out of what?
Your jacket.
YOU! That is my jacket!
[During their trip to the Concours, while checking on Jeremy's Alfa Romeo 75]
I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
Hello.
[Richards Alfa Romeo Spyder can be heard failing to start with him looking over at the engine]
Begin!
[Jeremy can be heard laughing while the spyders engine starts dying]
Now!
[voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
Oh listen to that now.
That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Gone into second.
Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.
[On disguising the fact that Richard's car had broken down]
[voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.
[At Alfa Romeo concours, talking to other contestant about his polished Alfa]
As a man of God, you'd take it badly if I were to, let's say, key it.
[Discussing their concours ratings]
James, what did you get?
Out of a possible 150 points, 74.
74! That's nearly a pass! I got 23.5. Yeah! Which was the lowest score ever recorded in concours history.
Until I came along! [laughs]
What did you get?
I got 9.
[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]
[On The Stig]
Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!
Now, are there any mothers here?
[A response is heard.]
Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.
[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
That's quite sad.
That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
[on the Dacia Sandero]
Great news!
What?
The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...
[on the Audi Q5]
Hey Audi's bought a photocopier.
No!
[Richard goes on explaining the Q5, saying Audi put the Q7 and set it at 75%.]
Have your mum and dad got a photocopier.
[James laughs followed by the audience.]
Yes.. And it was stuck at 60%
[mocking] 60!?
Yes, all right! Moving on...
[Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
See these manhole covers?
NO!
They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.
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