Jeremy and James in “October 28th, 2003”

Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?

Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.

That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!

It is a superb-looking car.

It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.

Rubbish.

All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?

No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.

Right. So you're not having one of those.

No.

You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.

Uh, no.

You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.

I might!

No you wouldn't.

No, you're right, I wouldn't.

And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.

No.

You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!

I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.