[During the opening sequence.]
In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!
“October 28th, 2003” · Season 3, Episode 1
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (10), Richard Hammond (4), James May (4)
[on the BMW 5-series]
Now, the old 5-series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the Moon, but this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.
[after James's 5-series film]
Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that?
Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is!
It is a superb-looking car.
It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
Rubbish.
[...]
All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer?
No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days.
Right. So you're not having one of those.
No.
You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
Uh, no.
You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
I might!
No you wouldn't.
No, you're right, I wouldn't.
And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one.
No.
You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these!
I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.
[on the diesel VW Lupo]
No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.
[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test]
I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.
[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25]
Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock?
Yes, almost certainly!
But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French.
I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.
We get a hundred million letters every week from women complaining about their men's love of cars.
This is true. We do.
We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on."
No we don't.
[reading viewer mail]
"Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark. Very irritating. This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly!
[discovering that his SL55's remote unlocker works from further away if he holds it against his temple]
What have I done to my head?!
[watching a video of automotive tomfoolery from Saudi Arabia]
This is what happens when you don't let people drink.
[on the Porsche 996 GT3]
It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. If you want height adjustment on the seats... which I don't... get another car.
[on the 911 series engine placement, behind the rear axle]
Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today.
[...]
In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.
[...]
Look, ma, I'm going sideways!
[...]
The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.
[on the Black Stig crashing into the sea]
Uhh... that was not supposed to happen.
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