[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]
RichardI can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!
Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.
[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]
I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Where is this fizzing sen -
Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard
That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]
So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
[subtitle: yes]
Richard
Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard
No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
[Attempting to get their home-made car road certified]
Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.
[The test is demonstrated on a Ford Fiesta, which is almost totally destroyed by the pendulum's impact]
Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.
Richard
Wow!
[The three run away from the car, backwards, and the pendulum is raised up and away from the car]
Richard
Tuo kool!
So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.
[The preceding sequence is played in reverse; the pendulum appears to fall towards the car]
Richard
[slurred] Look out!
[The pendulum appears to hit the car without doing any damage at all. The three presenters run towards it]
Richard
Wow?
Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!
[commencing the "range test", with the Stig's vegetarian cousin at the wheel]
James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]
So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]
[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]
What's happened there is...
Richard
Well, the Stig's died.
[reading the issue of Autocar magazine in which the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust is reviewed]
Richard
Um... it says it the ride and handling section where they deal with things like the chassis, "that to all intents and purposes the Hammerhead i-Eagle Thrust has no ride or handling as such, instead it lurches around almost uncontrollably."
[audience laughs]
Oh, God Almighty. No, it gets worse. OK, they say that in the Highway Code, they say that the stopping distance from 70 miles an hour is 215 feet, but our car stopping from 30 miles an hour took 506... 549 feet.
[audience laughs]
Richard
Well, who's really going to do that in the real world?
[reading] "The styling is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of sight."
[audience laughs]
Richard
########!
What do people who review cars actually know?
I mean, think about it for a minute: the car turns up, it's delivered, it's free, they haven't had to invest any money or time or any of that; they just drive it around for a bit, then they—
[scornfully] Car reviewers, hmph..
Richard
Anybody can criticize. Try making something and then reading things like: "Try to regain front end grip by braking and the fronts will simply lock, at which point you will crash." That could hurt sales!
And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
No, but if everybody does 70--
Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
So you're saying it's logic.
It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.
It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--
What, is it black or white?
How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
Richard
You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
Richard
Get up five minutes earlier.
I haven't got five minutes!
It's not five minutes anyway.
It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
JJesus
No, I go the back way.
Because of that [the roadworks]?
So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
JJesus
Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Ten minutes a day? That's--
JJesus
I ride a donkey each way.
Each way, five days a week?
So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
Richard
Now that is a small point, that--
Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!
[during the news]
Now, I don't know the papers this week, but a woman had a baby, while on her way to hospital in a Kia, OK? Now they've called the baby....Kia. [growing laughter from the audience]
Richard
Could've been worse, it could've been Proton! [laughter]
Because these people, called their baby Kia, Kia, the people who make the cars have actually given them a Kia car. We've got a picture of the handover [image is displayed on screen]. Now this brings onto a very important Top Gear Top Tip. If you're on your way to hospital, in labour and you're in a Kia, for God's sake get out! [laughter from Richard and the audience]
Richard
Let the child be christened 'Skip', 'Bus Stop', 'Phone Box', anything, just get out.
I christen this child, 'Doorway of Curries'. Because at lease you'd get a free microwave and not a hideous car like that!
[Describing an outfitted Range Rover they have in the studio]
And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!
Richard
Wow! Wow!
Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
Richard
You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!
No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!
[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard
Don't give us ideas.
Richard
What?
Where did you find that car?
Richard
Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
