A character in Top Gear
Played by Richard Hammond
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
Right, red for the blood.
RichardErm... mate? What? It was supposed to be what's inside the car.
How'd you know if there isn't a horse's head in the boot? (Shows a painting of a beheaded horse's head on the boot)
[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]
Richard[pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
That is my belt of many things.
RichardAre these all stuff for...
[interrupting] What is that?
Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
RichardWhat's this?
Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
What?!
It's a shoe polishing kit.
Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
RichardBasically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
[Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!
Richard[voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.
[going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
RichardCondoms?!
Vaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.
I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.
RichardWhat kind of party are they planning?
[During their first night travelling through the jungle...]
[voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.
[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]
How can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!
[voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.
[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]
RichardAah! What the BLEEP's that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, BLEEP, adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
[They've made camp and night has fallen]
[Showing a book about insects to Hammond, who has a phobia of them] This is a book about all the creatures that live in the rainforest that Mr Sting hasn't told us about. Would you like to hear about... the Brazilian wandering spider?
Richard[Looking uncomfortable] Not really no.
Causes around five human fatalities a year. Lives on the forest floor.
[Hammond turns on a toy dinosaur shaped head torch, which quietly screeches a few times]
What is that?
RichardHead torch. I'm looking for a, what was it called a wandering spi-?
Ooh, the botfly, now this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insect then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.
[Cut to view of the moon]
[voiceover] Hammond didn't have a good night.
[Cut to outside Hammond's tent]
Richard[From inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed- there's things on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me, it's big...!
[voiceover] ...and to be honest, he didn't have a great morning either.
RichardWHO has done this? [cuts to Richard with one of his trouser legs missing]
[A little later...]
Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]
It's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
RichardThanks.
[While driving through the rainforest, Richard is still wondering who stole his trouser leg]
Richard[into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?
[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]
[into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?
[on Richard driving into the back of his Suzuki]
That honestly wasn't very funny three series ago, and it really isn't funny now.
RichardI'm not doing it on purpose. No, I haven't got any brakes. That's how I stop!
[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
Richard[voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Richard[to James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
OH YES!
Richard[expressing annoyance] Oh God...
[In an attempt to cool his engine down, Jeremy stops to cut vents in the bonnet of his truck with a buzzsaw, but accidentally sets Richard's Toyota on fire with one of the sparks.]
RichardJeremy, my car's on fire!
Well, put beer on it!
RichardI am but I've only got so much! [Richard empties his beer can onto the fire]
There's a fire extinguisher in the car, but ...
Richard[interrupting] You set my car on fire!
I haven't got my glasses.
RichardPut the bloody pin out! [Jeremy finally puts out the flames with the extinguisher] You burned my Toyota! Thank you. Yeah.
[During their drive through the rainforest it begins to rain]
[into walkie-talkie] Hammond?
Richard[through walkie-talkie Yeah?
How wet are you getting in this rain?
[cut to Richard who is soaking wet from the rain getting through the holes in his Land Cruiser]
Richard[spits out water before replying with mock casualty] No, it's not bad actually.
[attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...
RichardDo you two need some time to yourselves?
[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]
Richard[in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
[to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
[into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
Richard[into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[Back in Richard's truck]
Richard[desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]
[On the "Road of Death", regarding the broken suspension on James' car]
James, I don't know about the rear suspension design on the Suzuki.
RichardThe shock absorber is traditionally attached at both ends.
[On the Road of Death, Jeremy with his eyes on a passing vehicle accidentally rams James despite being warned not to earlier on. Shaken and angry, James gets out with his machete and approaches Jeremy's car]
Sorry, I was...
[Overlapping] I was pretty f**king straight with you on this one, and now you're gonna get machete'd to death. [starts jabbing the blade at Jeremy's neck, half-threatening]
[fending James off] Don't- I was watching the taxi!
[interrupting] I did warn you! Did I or did I not warn you?!
[In Richard's truck]
Richard[casually observing the spectacle] James is killing Jeremy... Yeah, thing's are going well.
[Back to James and Jeremy]
I was watching the taxi.
You weren't!
I was watching the taxi.
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