A character in Top Gear
Played by Richard Hammond
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 628 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Clarkson (406), James May (261)
Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!
RichardCan I crash into James every time we stop?
No.
RichardJust a tiny--
No!
[they set off]
If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!
[During muscle car roadtrip, asking Richard about the features of his Dodge Challenger.]
Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir--
[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]
RichardWhat d'you mean, you put it in a melon?
[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
[Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
[off-screen] Clarkson!!
[trying to sound innocent] What?
I know it's you!
Richard[in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!
Richard[nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Where's May?
Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
RichardAHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]
[during the news]
That jacket... how big was the bet?
RichardPretty big.
[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
It needs a name.
RichardWe should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
I think he likes it!
I've got the name for it.
What?
The Bloody Awful!
[to Richard] Have you tried some?
RichardYeah.
You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard[shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh]
[The three are driving a Renault Avantime around the track]
So, this is six years old and everything works -- which is odd because most Renaults...
Richard...six minutes!
Why don't we just put nitrous on it?
RichardDo you remember what happened to the first Stig?
Fell off an aircraft carrier.
RichardBecause?
[glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...
[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]
Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do--I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet--
Back to the studio.
Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
RichardYup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
[behind Richard] Back to the studio!
[during the news]
RichardJeremy?
Yeah?
RichardThe slippers?
Yeah?
RichardAre they a bet?
Oh course they're a bet.
[Discussing the Vauxhall Insignia's hard seats]
RichardActually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...
[interrupts] A what?
RichardThere's a German panel of seat experts.
And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.
RichardOh God! Where would you put them, have a sea... no stand up.
[during the news]
Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?
RichardOh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.
[to a man in the audience] What?...[man responds] Ice.
RichardHe got us out of it.
Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.
[introducing the one-tank Basel to Blackpool race]
[James' first time introducing The Stig]
Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Oh, give it a rest!
RichardYou really weren't fooling anyone.
[during the Basel to Blackpool race]
And then: disaster!
RichardHere I come!
[Hammond's Volkswagen Polo BlueMotion slowly overtakes Jeremy's Jaguar, shortly before Jeremy calls Richard's phone]
RichardIt's funny you should call. I've just seen someone who looks just like you; in a Jaguar doing about fifty-six miles an hour!
I am not going to race you.
RichardReally?
Nope. I am going to sit behind you and watch you fail!
[During the news]
[pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
RichardNo.
No?
RichardNo.
[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]
Richard[about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
RichardBut whenever I see them -- those women driving those cars -- I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer--a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius--not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
