[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.
“November 30th, 2008” · Season 12, Episode 5
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (8), Richard Hammond (8), James May (3), The Stig (1)
[About The Stig]
Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!
[During the Power Lap of the Lexus IS-F]
[in Morse code] Too many gears.
[in Morse code] I like Mr Sulu.
[During the news]
[pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
No.
No?
No.
[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]
[about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
But whenever I see them -- those women driving those cars -- I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer--a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius--not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.
[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]
You all right?
'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."
[after Jeremy asks a nurse in the audience if she can kill James]
All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?
[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond[
Ooh! I bet that made him jump.
[Jeremy has proposed putting giant magnets on the front of cars to avert collisions, and a member of the audience has pointed out another benefit]
The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
You are just nitpicking.
[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy asks the audience about the Morgan Aeromax]
Do you find him attractive?
WIWoman in the audience
I came with them.
Is everybody all together?
WIWoman in the audience
He brought me...
What the hell accent's that?
WIWoman in the audience
(blushing) I'm American...
You're American? You can't be, you're nowhere near fat enough!
[Audience laughs]
You're American? Welcome ... Welcome to the free world, you'll like it here.
[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy tries to guess what car people drive from the shoes they wear]
[Camera pans over to a pair of orange leather shoes]
OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT-- oh, hello James.
[A little later]
This year a motoring icon is celebrating its fortieth birthday.
Richard Hammond?
No, he's thirty eight. Same as he was last year, and the year before. Mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it?
Oh it is actually, then he'll be thirty eight.
Yes, alright, funny, funny.
Thirty eight year old Richard Hammond!
I am! Thank you, very much.
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