A character in Top Gear
Played by Jeremy Clarkson
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
Most-quoted character in Top Gear: in 1,331 of its 1,774 quotes
Most scenes with: Richard Hammond (406), James May (323), Stephen Ladyman (5)
[riding in a Lancia which is slowly losing pieces of the bodywork]
JeremyYou need to define greatness, and that's the important thing. And just because something's unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Stephen Hawking... great bloke, even though a lot of him doesn't work.
Yeah. I wouldn't break it to him like that, but the principle stands, yeah it does.
[Describing an outfitted Range Rover they have in the studio]
JeremyAnd here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!
Wow! Wow!
Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
JeremyHonestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!
JeremyNo, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!
[Talking with Guy Ritchie]
JeremyNow obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna. Can I just say? This isn't Loose Women. So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear and I'm more interested in your love of winching. [to audience] No, I'm not kidding, ok. You like - what's it called? Off-green-laning? Off-roading?
Green-laning and a bit winching. There's nothing like a good winch. As you know, It's a thing. I mean, it's quite a nerdy undertaking.
JeremyNo, no, but there is. Because there are people who deliberately get stuck... [Guy smiles and nods] Don't tell me you're one of those? So you winch yours- you do don't you?
I mean, if you're into winching, you get stuck.
JeremyAnd so then you can get out - winch yourself out?
Yeah, well, if you don't get stuck you can't winch, so you deliberately look to get stuck.
JeremyI just find that fasci- cause what's the big appeal of winching a car?
It doesn't make any sense at all. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out? But I gotta tell ya - it's a lot of fun. I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching.
[Jeremy accidentally sprays himself in the face with some RAC-branded perfume]
JeremyMY EYES!
[Richard laughs]
You cretin!
Jeremy[also laughing] I'm blind!
You sprayed my helmet!
JeremyYou shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!
Can we edit the spin out?
JeremyYes, we can edit that out.
You promise?
[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
JeremyThis is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Don't give us ideas.
JeremyGuys?
What?
JeremyWhere did you find that car?
Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
JeremyRight, red for the blood.
Erm... mate? What? It was supposed to be what's inside the car.
JeremyHow'd you know if there isn't a horse's head in the boot? (Shows a painting of a beheaded horse's head on the boot)
[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]
[pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
That is my belt of many things.
Are these all stuff for...
Jeremy[interrupting] What is that?
Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
What's this?
Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
What?!
It's a shoe polishing kit.
JeremyWell thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
[Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!
[Trying to pull James's Jimmy off the ramp...]
Jeremy[voiceover] Having rescued a man from the ooze, the mighty Range Rover would now rescue the little Suzuki.
JeremyIt's only an ounce to pull.
Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.
JeremyPOWEEERRRRRRRR!!!
[voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.
Jeremy[going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
Condoms?!
JeremyVaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.
I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.
What kind of party are they planning?
[During their first night travelling through the jungle...]
Jeremy[voiceover] Darkness fell, but the temperature didn't.
[Cut to Jeremy in the Range Rover]
JeremyHow can it be this hot at MIDNIGHT?! HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?!
Jeremy[voiceover] Hammond had more to worry about than the heat.
[Cut to Richard in the Land Cruiser, bothered by the sounds of a large insect]
Aah! What the BLEEP's that?! Oh! [into walkie-talkie] There's something in here squeaking at me, I'll - I'll - ooh. [the noise continues] Oh. Ooh! What is that?! Agh, BLEEP, adadadadagh!! I can't stand that!! I can't stand that!! [throws open his door] I've gotta get out!!
[They've made camp and night has fallen]
Jeremy[Showing a book about insects to Hammond, who has a phobia of them] This is a book about all the creatures that live in the rainforest that Mr Sting hasn't told us about. Would you like to hear about... the Brazilian wandering spider?
[Looking uncomfortable] Not really no.
JeremyCauses around five human fatalities a year. Lives on the forest floor.
[Hammond turns on a toy dinosaur shaped head torch, which quietly screeches a few times]
JeremyWhat is that?
Head torch. I'm looking for a, what was it called a wandering spi-?
JeremyOoh, the botfly, now this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insect then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.
[Cut to view of the moon]
Jeremy[voiceover] Hammond didn't have a good night.
[Cut to outside Hammond's tent]
[From inside his tent] What's that? Aaagh! Ah! Stick insects! Something's honestly landed- there's things on my head - oh, what is that?! There's something that just flew in my hair and it's squeaking at me, it's big...!
Jeremy[voiceover] ...and to be honest, he didn't have a great morning either.
WHO has done this? [cuts to Richard with one of his trouser legs missing]
[A little later...]
JeremyOh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]
JeremyIt's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Thanks.
[While driving through the rainforest, Richard is still wondering who stole his trouser leg]
[into walkie-talkie] Come on, who's got my trouser leg?
[In Jeremy's truck, Jeremy is wearing Richard's trouser leg as a headcloth]
Jeremy[into walkie-talkie, with mock innocence] Has your trouser leg gone missing?
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