Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

...So anyway, how was your car?

James

Car's...

Richard

Stolen! That's what it is, I've just thought of it now: stolen. The damnedest thing.

Jeremy

Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.

The Stig

[in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.

The Stig

[in Morse code] Me smell cats.

Jeremy

[point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?

Richard

Yeah, he is.

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

He is, ah okay.

James

And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.

Richard

Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...

Jeremy

It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!

Richard

How did you arrive at wanting that?

James

Because I like it.

Jeremy

Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.

James

[looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?

Jeremy

Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?

James

Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.

Richard

He does have a point there. He does...

Jeremy

You've got a Ford Mustang!

Richard

Let's move on!

Jeremy

Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!

Jeremy

No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.

Richard

I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!

Jeremy

A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.

Richard

Err... no, actually!

Jeremy

You weren't even watching last weekend!

Richard

No, I was driving home.

Jeremy

Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?

Richard

I did get a clear run, I must admit!

Jeremy

If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.

Richard

[playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.

Jeremy

He would be the worst person in the world for that job.

James

[looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

James

What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.

Richard

However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.

Jeremy

Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American -- the U.S. state department no less -- has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.

James

And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised -- this isn't a lie is it?

Jeremy

No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...

Richard

This is for real.

James

-- if we promised not to be entertaining.

Jeremy

Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!

Richard

Can I crash into James every time we stop?

Jeremy

No.

Richard

Just a tiny--

Jeremy

No!

Jeremy

If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!

Jeremy

Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir--

Richard

What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?

James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music on the local radio station.

James

(pointing to the radio) I wasn't expecting to hear that.

Jeremy

On tonight's programme... (laughs)

Jeremy

[Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.

Jeremy

Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.

James

[off-screen] Clarkson!!

Jeremy

[trying to sound innocent] What?

James

I know it's you!

Richard

[in bed, groggily] What're you doing?

Jeremy

We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!

Richard

[nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!

Jeremy

Where's May?

James

Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]

Richard

AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]

James

Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]

Jeremy

Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!

James

What the hell are you on about?

Jeremy

It's Dacia!... :[audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... :[audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.

Jeremy

That jacket... how big was the bet?

Richard

Pretty big.

Jeremy

It needs a name.

Richard

We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.

Jeremy

I think he likes it!

James

I've got the name for it.

Jeremy

What?

James

The Bloody Awful!

Jeremy

[to Richard] Have you tried some?

Richard

Yeah.

Jeremy

You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.

Richard

[shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!

Jeremy

I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh]

Jeremy

So, this is six years old and everything works -- which is odd because most Renaults...

Richard

...six minutes!

Jeremy

Why don't we just put nitrous on it?

Richard

Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?

Jeremy

Fell off an aircraft carrier.

Richard

Because?

Jeremy

[glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...