Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

[voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.

James

We've done fifty-two miles.

Richard

That's it?

James

Yeah.

Jeremy

We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.

James

No, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.

Jeremy

There's no way...

Richard

[interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!

Jeremy

[voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]

Jeremy

[sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!

Richard

[to Jeremy] Pork pie?

Jeremy

What?

Richard

PORK PIE!

Jeremy

The dog's not gonna be sick again, is it? The smell's not good.

Richard

No, I don't... I just don't want to...

Jeremy

What the hell?!

Richard

That's bad.

Jeremy

You...!

Richard

It's pretty poor, mate. It's pretty poor.

Jeremy

Caravanning, James. Something you were looking forward to.

Richard

Well, let's watch it come off. [James gets in the car, and starts reversing, causing even more damage to the caravan] Back. SLOWLY! SLOWLY! Back!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Our caravanning trip wasn't going well. In fact, it was even starting to strain the bonds of our friendship. ["James May mobile number 07848 687959" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

Richard

But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?

Jeremy

Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."

James

What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.

Jeremy

Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.

Richard

They did.

Jeremy

We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...

Richard

Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.

Jeremy

A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]

Richard

Seriously.

Jeremy

A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.

Richard

They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.

Jeremy

No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!

Richard

You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.

James

Don't hit it with a hammer!

Jeremy

Why?

James

...because that's the tool of a pikey!

James

You should feel it go stiff now.

Jeremy

Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?

Richard

Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.

James

How hard can it be to build a kit car?

Richard

Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.

Jeremy

And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!

Jeremy

Jiggle it.

Richard

I'm jiggling like a bugger.

Jeremy

I had a family outing this week, in my Ford GT! Took my son to the Fairford Air Show in Gloucestershire.

Richard

And?

Jeremy

It's still there. [laughter] Rev limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine rev beyond six hundred rpm. Which isn't much.

Jeremy

[to the camera while James looks through the tool cabinet] All he's done, all morning.. he files. He takes stuff out and then puts it back and files it where it's supposed to be. James!

James

What?

Jeremy

Stop filing!

James

[losing patience] I'm looking for the sodding socket thing that you need to take that out. Do you know where it is? Do you know where it is?

Jeremy

No! No!

James

Do you know what it looks like?

Jeremy

Yes!

James

No, you don't!

Jeremy

[from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!

Richard

Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!

I like to enjoy myself as we all do.

Jeremy

[interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.

Probably more than you, Jeremy, yes.

Jeremy

So, um, I guess he could be dead!

James

Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...

Jeremy

Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...

Richard

I may have... have overcooked that a bit.

Jeremy

...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"

Jeremy

Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?

Richard

No!

Richard

I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?

James

I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.

Richard

That's all I've had for four months...

James

What? Tissues?

Richard

No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.

Jeremy

Are you the same person that you were before?

Richard

Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.

Jeremy

So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?

Richard

Yes...

James

And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?

Richard

Yes, though that's, to be honest, more [gestures to Jeremy] your personality than mine.

Jeremy

I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.

Richard

Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

Jeremy

...how hard can it be?

Richard

Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread every time you say the words "How hard can it be?"