Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy

Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.

Jeremy

Look at that! It looks like a touring car! A French, plastic touring car, but a touring car none the less!

Jeremy

Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.

Jeremy

Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...

Jeremy

This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat.

Jeremy

Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.

Jeremy

Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!

Jeremy

[driving a Lada Riva] Let me give you an example of its terribleness. The rear brakes were made of aluminium, and they [the Russians] must have thought "Aha! You see, that's very advanced! The West hasn't thought of this!" There's a very good reason for that though. Aluminium has the same braking properties really as... cheese. [skids round a corner] Slow down, you bitch! God almighty.

Jeremy

Not even a Maybach has this!

Jeremy

[after forcing James to drive off a cliff] Good-bye, Mr. May!

Jeremy

Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.

Jeremy

Anyway...

Jeremy

In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.

Jeremy

You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!

Jeremy

[driving a Lada Niva] You know, I once drove one of these down a very heavily rutted track at fifty miles an hour and I was able to use the cigarette lighter -- 'cause it was so smooth -- to light a cigarette. It was that smooth. I'd actually quite like to demonstrate that for you now but unfortunately, we don't live in a free country!