[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?
“December 7th, 2008” · Season 12, Episode 6
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (23), James May (8), Richard Hammond (6)
[about The Stig]
Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!
[At the start of the news]
And now the news. And it's great news, ladies and gentlemen! It's news to warm the hearts of nations: Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice! [Audience cheers and applauds]
Mate, sorry. I know, imagine how we feel. They're gutted mate, they're gutted. But the good news is that means we can talk about whatever we like and say what we like.
[Jeremy pulls a sad face]
Yeah, yeah, whatever...
[Croakily] Can I just say...
Ooh, it speaks! Or sort of squeaks.
[Jeremy tries to speak but has trouble]
Ooh, that's just a noise. Are you deflating?
[Jeremy pulls out a bottle and sprays it in his mouth]
What's that? [Reading from the bottle] Synthetic saliva?
It means I just have a few minutes of speaking.
Oh, so you like - you need more saliva? Well ladies and gentlemen I have no doubt we can oblige with that! How do you know it's synthetic and it isn't just some bloke... [Imitates spitting into a bottle] Bottle it!
You can shut up for a kick off as well.
What?
What noise is that you're making?
[Pointing to May] Have you seen his eye? He's got the biggest eye infection I've ever seen. At least I don't look like a mutant.
Has it come to this?! I'm working with these two. This isn't a television program anymore; it's a colony!
I tell you what, instead of hurling abuse at each other, why [coughs] -- excuse me -- why don't we do the news?
[later in the news]
Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Revs?
Revs, yeah.
What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
You what?
My old Porsche's twenty five years old -- I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
You worked that out? For -- your -- car? You spent time -- WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do -- what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
It's alright.
Richard -- I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
There's your answer!
[driving a Lada Riva] Let me give you an example of its terribleness. The rear brakes were made of aluminium, and they [the Russians] must have thought "Aha! You see, that's very advanced! The West hasn't thought of this!" There's a very good reason for that though. Aluminium has the same braking properties really as... cheese. [skids round a corner] Slow down, you bitch! God almighty.
[on the Riva]
I thought so.
What?
A rev counter.
Yes?
You decadent capitalist pig. Ownership of a rev counter is theft.
Look at the colour. This is the colour of a prosthetic limb.
You've got wipers on your headlights!
They don't work.
That's not the point! It's aspirational!
[On the ZAZ-968's ice-fishing hatch]
Not even a Maybach has this!
It's cold, the track's too pockmarked, it's bumpy....now,I'll be driving the Morris Marxist and you shall be in the...what is it?
The Lenin 1.6 SLX.
Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.
And the loser has to sacrifice his bath plug.
[after forcing James to drive off a cliff] Good-bye, Mr. May!
Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.
[beat]
Anyway...
In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.
[on the GAZ Chaika]
You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!
[having trouble with the Chaika's pushbutton gear select]
Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!
[driving a Lada Niva] You know, I once drove one of these down a very heavily rutted track at fifty miles an hour and I was able to use the cigarette lighter -- 'cause it was so smooth -- to light a cigarette. It was that smooth. I'd actually quite like to demonstrate that for you now but unfortunately, we don't live in a free country!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.