I've told you a million times, do not exaggerate!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
WMWashing Machine
[spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!
Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!
WMWashing Machine
[opens up] Phwoar!
Now!
[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open.]
Oh, what's the time?
Vyv, here's your chance. [Shows him his watch.] See the big hand there?
Yeah.
That's on the two, right.
Yep.
And the little hand is on that one there just before the twelve, now what's that one?
Eleven?
Perfectly excellent. So what's the time?
Er... half past five!
[Vyvyan sees a sign whilst on the train]
"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan hastily pulls the communication cord, stopping the train.]
Oh, good heavens, what now?!
Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]
VSVyvyan's head
Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!
[At the TV studios, the guys walk past a guard.]
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
GGuard
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
GGuard
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
GGuard
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
It's my mascot!
GGuard
A pig?
No!
GGuard
It is.
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
GGuard
Looks exactly like a pig.
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
GGuard
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
PPig
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
GGuard
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Well, are you going to let us win?
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]
[The guys are now on University Challenge]
Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
AAudience
Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
SPS.P.G.
Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag! [Audience boo at Scumbag] See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [headbutts Teddy bear]
Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
MLord Monty
Hello.
Lord Snot...
[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Ms. Money-Sterling...
[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
KMKendal Mintcake
Hi!
And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
Hello.
Prick... [A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name] Vyvyan... and Neil.
Vegetable rights and peace.
[The game begins.]
So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Neil.
Er, can I go to the toilet, please?
No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five-point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Monty.
MLord Monty
Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?
Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?
MLord Monty
Certainly, will £50 do?
Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
SLord Snot
Battle of Bannockburn!
Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]
Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.
Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]
Who said 'Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire'?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
KMKendal Mintcake
Lenin!
Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...
[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!
[pause] Yes, well that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights lead by 25 points.
MSMs. Money-Sterling
Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!
[Scumbag are back in play]
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Vyvyan.
[pause] What?
[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Snot.
SLord Snot
It's me, isn't it?
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
SLord Snot
Oh, damn!
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Mike.
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
[Mike buzzes in again]
Toxteth O'Grady.
Correct, five points.
[to Mike] You bum-bag!
The world's stupidest bottom burp?
[Neil buzzes in]
Rick, Britain!
Correct, five points.
It is not!
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?
[Rick buzzes in]
It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!
[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]
DDoctor
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.
EElephant
Very good.
DDoctor
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...
[End credits roll as he is talking]
Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?
Um, between my legs.
[takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.
Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.
What a revolting thought!
This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!
Oh, certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]
You Bastards! That's my record player!
You said it was your record player!
No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!
Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick.
Yes, it is now give it back!
Ok!
[Hands back to him a burnt piece of his record player, to which Rick whines and hands it back to Vyvyan. He places it on the fire again.]
My parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!
Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!
That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...
Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!
Yes, well never mind all that now. I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...[Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg] Oowww!!!
Looks like supper's ready!
I'm not cooking Vyvyan. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.
Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie.
No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down.
What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?
That's not important Rick.
Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.
Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car.
All right we'll have to use them then.
No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?
No no no better idea, we'll go out there!
Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)
No, wait guys guys, what about my scary story?
Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!
Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil.
No, that's no good, my cassette's bust!
Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us.
No, good either i've only got two seats.
I could go in the boot?
No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?
Oh right yeah.
Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear)
Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.
Brilliant!
Squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.
Well... (Rick interrupts him)
Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means?
VRVyvyan & Rick
Yeah, it means.. (Neil stops them)
No! Yeah! It means we've got a polterghoost!!
Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing.
Yeah don't be such a spasmo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.
Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?
Er...
Erm well, I did that actually, like this [pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on.] See! Corr, Mike's floating!! How's that done then?
Arrggghhh!! Get a priest! Get a Vicar! I believe in God!
Never mind a priest, call an ambulance!
Why, Mike?
I've just nailed my legs to the table!
I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."
Yeah?
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?
What about "darling"?
"Darling bank manager..."
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".
"Darling fascist bully boy..."
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?
"You bastard"
Don't you think that's a bit strong?
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?
His beard.
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.
Right, ok, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]
QUICK! GET THE STIRRUPS! I'M GONNA HAVE MY BABY NOW!
[Screaming hysterically] I AM NOT! GETTING! AGGRESSIVE!
[Calmly, staring at Rick] You are, Rick. I can sense it.
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
[Rick is warming himself by the broken fridge while Vyvyan is lying on a bed.]
I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet?
Shut Up or Piss Off!
Oh, that's charming, isn't it?
No, no, those are the two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be really handy in later life for getting into fights and things. Oh! Oh, it's kicking.
[His stomach moves rapidly up and down. Rick looks fascinated.]
Er, Vyvyan. Would it be alright... I mean... can I have a bit... a bit of a listen?
Yeah, help yourself. You can hear it kicking.
[Placing his ear on Vyvyan's bare stomach] I can't hear anything... all I can hear is... OW! [Vyvyan's stomach twitches violently, knocking Rick upwards.]
[Patting his stomach] That's my boy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.