Mike quotes from The Young Ones

Mike

Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.

Mike

Thank heaven for Habitat's sofa-coffins!

Rick

Neil... what are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil? Huh. Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables, how much does it cost, Neil?

Neil

... well actually, it's about £4.50 each.

£4.50?!

Rick

I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free!

Vyvyan

I've got a leg!

Mike

Hey Vyvyan, that's not unusual.

Vyvyan

No look! I'm supposed to write an essay on it, but I think I'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!

Mike

I'll handle this.

Rick

I'll handle this!

Vyvyan

I'll handle this!

Neil

I can't handle this.

Rick

Bloody heck! Is this the new house?

Neil

I think it's beautiful, Rick!

Rick

Well I think it looks like a gigantic lavatory!

Mike

It hasn't been razed to the ground.

Rick

Well, at least we have a front door.

Vyvyan

We had a front door at the last house!

Rick

Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!

Mike

Rick, it had to be done.

Vyvyan

Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!

Rick

[Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?!

Mike

Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex.

Rick

Bastard!

Rick

Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?

Mike

Uncanny!

Mike

Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.

[the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?

Mike

You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?

Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.

Mike

It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.

Vyvyan

Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?

Mike

No, I'm busy with the paper.

Vyvyan

Rick?

Rick

No, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]

Vyvyan

Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!

Neil

Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!

Mike

Let's do something, we're bored stupid!

Vyvyan

Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?

Rick

I just knew you were gonna say that!

Vyvyan

That's a complete lie, you poof!

Rick

I knew you were gonna say that too!

Vyvyan

You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!

Rick

(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]

Mike

Vyvyan, have you ever heard of cloning?

Vyvyan

(pause) No.

Mike

Oh, good. Would you swear to that?

Vyvyan

Certainly. If that's what you want. Big jobs!

Rick

Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?

Vyvyan

That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.

Rick

What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.

Vyvyan

You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!

Rick

It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!

Vyvyan

Mike?

Mike

No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.

Rick

In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!

Vyvyan

But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!

Rick

Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.

Vyvyan

Good one!

Rick

Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!

Vyvyan

I WAS BORED!

Mike

It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.

Rick

Gotcha Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes!

Vyvyan

Well, I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.

Rick

Why, what are you, a spazzy?

Vyvyan

No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.

Rick

That's the most pathetic excuse I've ev- *spots the bomb* GORDON WALTERS!

Mike

That's an atom bomb.

Neil

Oh no, it's the holocaust.

Rick

Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!

Mike

We don't.

Rick

But, haven't we got a license?

Mike

No.

Rick

But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!

Vyvyan

What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?

Rick

[look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?

Vyvyan

Not if you haven't got a bottom.