[Repeated line of dialogue]
VCVarious characters
Oh, have we got a video?
[Increasingly exasperated] Yes! We've got a video!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
WWoman
Do you dig graves?
Yeah, yeah, they're alright, yeah.
Neil, the bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite Junta.
VVicar
What-ho, I'm the vicar.
Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress.
VVicar
[pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
[rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has.
VVicar
Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
VVicar
My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....
[singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...
VVicar
[grabs Rick by the collar] Shaddup! [punches Rick, causing him to fall into the grave]
Help! I've just fallen into a grave!
Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [grabs the shovel from Neil]
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We better kill him first!
Thank heaven for Habitat's sofa-coffins!
When my hamster finds out you nicked his carrot he's gonna kill you, Neil.
Oh was it S.P.G.'s? I didn't know he ate carrots.
He doesn't eat carrots, Neil, he sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls.
Oh, no! The front door's exploded!
Vyvyan!
Vyvyan!
"Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan!" Honestly, whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!
Well, who do you suggest we blame?
Thatcher!
No. Blame whoever rung the front doorbell! Because they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up!
It's a video nasty!
It's a carpet, farty!
BBoys
ARRRGGHH!!
It's a vampire!
In a parcel!
In the kitchen!
[To Audience] Hate mail! [To guys] What are we gonna do?
Only Pop Music can save us now!
[The Damned appear and start performing]
VVampire
No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!
A driving instructer from Johannesburg? Prove it!
VVampire
How?
Ok, what should you never do in a box junction?
VVampire
In a box junction you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!
Ah, true. Ok, what's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?
VVampire
Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear-view mirrors. If no-one is behind you you should RIP OUT A VIRGIN'S THROAT AND-
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!
VVampire
Oh, Outspan!
SSayle
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]
I hate him.
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.
Well, he's got no talent.
Alexei who?
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
Bags not Vyv!
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
VVampire
[Having being lit up by sunlight] Oh, no! I've forgotten about the time difference between here and Johannasburg! Arrrgh! Arrrgh!
HBHarry the Bastard
You owe me five hundred quid.
VRVyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike
Well, what a complete bastard!
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.