Neil quotes from The Young Ones

Neil

[on his final exam] It was terrible. I sat in the big hall and put my packet of polos on the desk, and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and my extra pen, and my extra polos and my lucky gonk, and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker and three more gonks with a packet of polos in each, and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil, and my spare lead for my retractable pencil, and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks and the guy said "Stop writing please."!

Neil

Oh no! I never knew I wore a wig. Eurgh!

Neil

What d'you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!

Rick

Neil, are these lentils South African?!

Neil

Well, ummm...

Rick

You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Why don't you just go out and become a policeman?! Become a pig?! There's no difference, you know! [burns hand on lentils] There's no difference, you know! You think there is, but there isn't! I suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie!

Rick

Neil... what are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil? Huh. Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables, how much does it cost, Neil?

Neil

... well actually, it's about £4.50 each.

£4.50?!

Rick

I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free!

Vyvyan

I thought you were dead!

Neil

That's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!

Mike

I'll handle this.

Rick

I'll handle this!

Vyvyan

I'll handle this!

Neil

I can't handle this.

Neil

What are you doing with my crucifix, Rick?

Rick

Protesting!

Neil

I don't wanna bring you down or anything, but I think that is a really negative way to try and kill yourself, I mean I tried it hundreds of times, there's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

Rick

Bloody heck! Is this the new house?

Neil

I think it's beautiful, Rick!

Rick

Well I think it looks like a gigantic lavatory!

Mike

It hasn't been razed to the ground.

Rick

Well, at least we have a front door.

Vyvyan

We had a front door at the last house!

Rick

Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!

Mike

Rick, it had to be done.

Vyvyan

Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!

Neil

Oh, sorry, Vyv.

Vyvyan

[calmly] That's ok, Neil. It was bound to happen... sooner or later [faints].

Rick

I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.

Neil

[despondently] Oh, uh. Ok Rick. [Audience awws]

Rick

What?

Neil

What?

Rick

What did you just say?

Neil

Huh?

Rick

You just called me a bastard didn't you!

Rick

Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!

Neil

Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!

Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Vyvyan

Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...

Neil

Hello.

Vyvyan

And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.

Rick

[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.

Ooh. He is a bastard, isn't he?

Rick

Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?

Now dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?

Vyvyan

Ok, Mum.

Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.

Vyvyan

Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?

Mike

No, I'm busy with the paper.

Vyvyan

Rick?

Rick

No, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]

Vyvyan

Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!

Neil

Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!

Rick

Gotcha Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes!

Vyvyan

Well, I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.

Rick

Why, what are you, a spazzy?

Vyvyan

No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.

Rick

That's the most pathetic excuse I've ev- *spots the bomb* GORDON WALTERS!

Mike

That's an atom bomb.

Neil

Oh no, it's the holocaust.