[At the TV studios, the guys walk past a guard.]
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
GGuard
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
GGuard
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
GGuard
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
GGuard
Looks exactly like a pig.
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
GGuard
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
PPig
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
GGuard
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
BambiScumbag College? So you finally made it.
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
Bambi
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Well, are you going to let us win?
Bambi
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]
[The guys are now on University Challenge]
Bambi
Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
AAudience
Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Bambi
Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag! [Audience boo at Scumbag] See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [headbutts Teddy bear]
Bambi
Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
Bambi
Lord Snot...
[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Bambi
Ms. Money-Sterling...
[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Bambi
...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
Bambi
And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
Bambi
Prick... [A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name] Vyvyan... and Neil.
Vegetable rights and peace.
[The game begins.]
Bambi
So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Neil.
Er, can I go to the toilet, please?
Bambi
No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five-point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Monty.
MLord Monty
Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?
Bambi
Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?
MLord Monty
Certainly, will £50 do?
Bambi
Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
SLord Snot
Battle of Bannockburn!
Bambi
Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]
Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Bambi
Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.
Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]
Bambi
Who said 'Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire'?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
Bambi
Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...
[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!
Bambi
[pause] Yes, well that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights lead by 25 points.
MSMs. Money-Sterling
Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!
[Scumbag are back in play]
Bambi
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Vyvyan.
[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Bambi
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Snot.
SLord Snot
It's me, isn't it?
Bambi
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
Bambi
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.
Bambi
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Mike.
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Bambi
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
[Mike buzzes in again]
Bambi
Correct, five points.
Bambi
The world's stupidest bottom burp?
[Neil buzzes in]
Bambi
Correct, five points.
Bambi
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?
[Rick buzzes in]
It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!
[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]
DDoctor
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.
DDoctor
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...
[End credits roll as he is talking]
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
