Mike quotes from The Young Ones

Mike

Vyv! Eat the telly!

Vyvyan

That's a completely brilliant idea, Mike. I've been waiting for this for a long time!

Ah ha! So you do have a... you little runt!

Vyvyan

[waving] Hello.

The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick ya.

Vyvyan

[pointing at the cable] It's a toaster.

It's a telly, you yobbo. Give it back, I wanna nick ya!

Mike

Mr Bastard! Mr Bastard! Toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private property and if they get damaged in any way we sue.

Mike

I'm waiting for that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.

Neil

Well, they better hurry up... coz Vyvyan's escaped...

Vyvyan

Missed!

There's no chance of using your toilet, is there?

Mike

No.

I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.

Vyvyan

What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?!

Rick

If he's anything like you, YES! Did you take it, Mike?

Mike

Well, if you're gonna sin you might as well be original.

Rick

What's that supposed to mean?

Mike

I don't know.

Mike

Hey, Neil.

Neil

Yes, Mike?

Mike

Come over here.

Neil

You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?

Mike

No, I don't.

Neil

Oh.

Mike

Where's my breakfast?

Vyvyan

Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!

Neil

Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!

Mike

So why haven't you gone?

Neil

Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!

Rick

There's plenty of money in the kitty!

Neil

Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?

Vyvyan

[wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!

Rick

[pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!

Neil

I mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell?

Mike

Yes.

Neil

Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?

Vyvyan

We mean, yes you smell. Smelly!

Neil

[clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.

Mike

Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!

Vyvyan

We can't Mike.

Mike

Why not?

Vyvyan

Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.

Mike

Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.

"Vyvyan"

[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.

"Rick"

[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.

"Neil"

[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.

"Rick"

Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!

"Vyvyan"

[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!

"Mike"

[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!

"Vyvyan"

Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!

"Neil"

Right, let's go.

Vyvyan

Cor! That was quick!

Vyvyan

Oi!

Neil

Oh, what's the time?

Mike

Vyv, here's your chance. [Shows him his watch.] See the big hand there?

Vyvyan

Yeah.

Mike

That's on the two, right.

Vyvyan

Yep.

Mike

And the little hand is on that one there just before the twelve, now what's that one?

Vyvyan

Eleven?

Mike

Perfectly excellent. So what's the time?

Vyvyan

Er... half past five!

Vyvyan

"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?

Vyvyan

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Rick

Oh, good heavens, what now?!

Mike

Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.

Rick

Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?

Neil

Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!

Mike

Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.

Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!

Mike

[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.

Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

Neil

Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.

Mike

Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?

[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."

Neil

Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?

Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?

Vyvyan

It's my mascot!

A pig?

Vyvyan

No!

It is.

Vyvyan

It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.

Looks exactly like a pig.

Vyvyan

Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.

Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?

Vyvyan

Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.

Mike

Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.

Rick

Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]

[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.

Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.

Bambi

Scumbag College? So you finally made it.

Mike

Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!

Rick

Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?

Neil

I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...

Vyvyan

Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.

Neil

That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!

Vyvyan

It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".

Neil

[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?

Bambi

So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.

Rick

Well, are you going to let us win?

Bambi

No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

Bambi

Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...

Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!

Bambi

Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.

Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag! [Audience boo at Scumbag] See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [headbutts Teddy bear]

Bambi

Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...

Hello.

Bambi

Lord Snot...

Bambi

Ms. Money-Sterling...

Bambi

...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.

Hi!

Bambi

And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...

Mike

Hello.

Bambi

Prick... [A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name] Vyvyan... and Neil.

Neil

Vegetable rights and peace.

Bambi

So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?

Scumbag, Vyvyan.

Vyvyan

[pause] What?

Rick

[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?

Mike

It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.

Bambi

Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?

Footlights, Snot.

It's me, isn't it?

Bambi

No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.

Oh, damn!

Bambi

So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...

Vyvyan

I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!

Mike

Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?

Vyvyan

[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!

It's not an automatic...

Mike

Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.

Bambi

So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?

Scumbag, Mike.

Mike

Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.

Vyvyan

I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!

Bambi

Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?

Mike

Toxteth O'Grady.

Bambi

Correct, five points.

Vyvyan

[to Mike] You bum-bag!

Bambi

The world's stupidest bottom burp?

Neil

Rick, Britain!

Bambi

Correct, five points.

Rick

It is not!

Bambi

And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?

Rick

It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!

Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.

Very good.

Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...

Mike

Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?

Rick

Um, between my legs.

Vyvyan

[takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.

Rick

Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.

Vyvyan

What a revolting thought!

Mike

This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!

Vyvyan

Oh, certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]

Rick

You Bastards! That's my record player!

Mike

You said it was your record player!

Vyvyan

No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!

Mike

Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick.

Rick

Yes, it is now give it back!

Vyvyan

Ok!

Rick

My parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!

Rick

That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...

Mike

Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!

Rick

Yes, well never mind all that now. I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...[Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg] Oowww!!!

Vyvyan

Looks like supper's ready!

Neil

I'm not cooking Vyvyan. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.

Vyvyan

Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie.

Neil

No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down.

Rick

What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?

Neil

That's not important Rick.

Rick

Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.

Vyvyan

Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car.

Rick

All right we'll have to use them then.

Vyvyan

No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?

Rick

No no no better idea, we'll go out there!

Vyvyan

Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)

Neil

No, wait guys guys, what about my scary story?

Vyvyan

Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!

Rick

Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil.

Vyvyan

No, that's no good, my cassette's bust!

Rick

Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us.

Vyvyan

No, good either i've only got two seats.

Neil

I could go in the boot?

Vyvyan

No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?

Neil

Oh right yeah.

Mike

Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear)

Neil

Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.

Vyvyan

Brilliant!

Rick

Squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.

Neil

Well... (Rick interrupts him)

Rick

Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?

Neil

That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means?

Yeah, it means.. (Neil stops them)

Neil

No! Yeah! It means we've got a polterghoost!!

MIke

Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing.

Rick

Yeah don't be such a spasmo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.

Neil

Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?

Rick

Er...

Vyvyan

Erm well, I did that actually, like this [pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on.] See! Corr, Mike's floating!! How's that done then?

Rick

Arrggghhh!! Get a priest! Get a Vicar! I believe in God!

Mike

Never mind a priest, call an ambulance!

Vyvyan

Why, Mike?

Mike

I've just nailed my legs to the table!