I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."
MikeYeah?
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.
Mike
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?
"Darling bank manager..."
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".
"Darling fascist bully boy..."
Mike
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.
Mike
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?
Don't you think that's a bit strong?
Mike
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?
Mike
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?
Mike
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.
Right, ok, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
Mike
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!
Mike
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
SSayle
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.
Well, he's got no talent.
Mike
Alexei who?
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Mike
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Mike
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Mike
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
HHelen
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
VMVyvyan, Mike & Neil
(Look at Rick) Eh?
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
HHelen
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
Mike
Who are you?
KKnight
I'm a Knight, of the Square Table.
Mike
'Square' Table?
KKnight
Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough to be at the Round Table, on account of some of my suits of armour still have flares.
Mike
You can't get much squarer than that.
No shut up, Mike! [To Knight] There's nothing wrong with flares.
Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
Mike
What this? [Holding a fish]
Mike
Oh, thanks.
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Mike
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
You put that back! That's my personal property!
You just said all property is theft, Rick.
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
