[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]
VyvyanMy potion! My potion as well.
Vyvyan
It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!
[Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?
Vyvyan
Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!
[with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
Yes, I bet that too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]
[When Vyvyan visits Narnia and sees the White Witch and the driver, Shirley.]
WWitch
Come, sit next to me, child. [Vyvyan sits on the sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. Eurgh! Who's farted?
Vyvyan
It's not me!
SShirley
That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity!
Vyvyan
Who says?
Vyvyan
Who says?!
SShirley
[weakly] She does.
WWitch
I did not! That's a lie, Shirley!
Vyvyan
'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'?
SShirley
It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!
Vyvyan
Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'!
WWitch
Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child?
Vyvyan
Not particularly. You got any kebabs?
You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?
Vyvyan
Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
There's plenty of money in the kitty!
Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
Vyvyan
[wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
[pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
[Rick is trying to commit suicide]
I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
[upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
Vyvyan
I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
PMPack of matches
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.
[After the guys kill a loose sock]
Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!
Vyvyan
We can't Mike.
Vyvyan
Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
"Vyvyan"
[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
"Vyvyan"
[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
"Vyvyan"
Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Vyvyan
Cor! That was quick!
[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]
Vyvyan
Oi!
[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]
WMWashing Machine
[spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!
Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Vyvyan
Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!
WMWashing Machine
[opens up] Phwoar!
Vyvyan
Now!
[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open.]
[Vyvyan sees a sign whilst on the train]
Vyvyan
"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel.]
Vyvyan
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan hastily pulls the communication cord, stopping the train.]
Oh, good heavens, what now?!
Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]
VSVyvyan's head
Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!
[At the TV studios, the guys walk past a guard.]
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
GGuard
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
GGuard
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
GGuard
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
Vyvyan
It's my mascot!
Vyvyan
No!
Vyvyan
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
GGuard
Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
GGuard
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
PPig
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
GGuard
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Vyvyan
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
Vyvyan
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Well, are you going to let us win?
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]
[Scumbag are back in play]
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan
[pause] What?
[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Snot.
SLord Snot
It's me, isn't it?
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
Vyvyan
I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
Vyvyan
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Mike.
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
Vyvyan
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
[Mike buzzes in again]
Vyvyan
[to Mike] You bum-bag!
The world's stupidest bottom burp?
[Neil buzzes in]
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?
[Rick buzzes in]
It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!
[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]
DDoctor
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.
DDoctor
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...
[End credits roll as he is talking]
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
