Most-quoted character in The Young Ones: in 94 of its 138 quotesRick (62), Mike (47), Neil (46)
Scenes with Vyvyan 91
VS Vyvyan's Mum
Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
Vyvyan Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...
Vyvyan And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
VS Vyvyan's Mum
Ooh. He is a bastard, isn't he?
Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan pushes Rick off his chair, knocking him onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]
VS Vyvyan's Mum
Now dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?
Vyvyan Ok, Mum.
VS Vyvyan's Mum
Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
Vyvyan Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?
No, I'm busy with the paper.
Vyvyan Rick?
No, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]
Vyvyan Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!
Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!
Let's do something, we're bored stupid!
Vyvyan Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
I just knew you were gonna say that!
Vyvyan That's a complete lie, you poof!
I knew you were gonna say that too!
[Vyvyan smashes Rick over the head with a bottle.]
Vyvyan You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!
(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]
Vyvyan, have you ever heard of cloning?
Vyvyan (pause) No.
Oh, good. Would you swear to that?
Vyvyan Certainly. If that's what you want. Big jobs!
Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?
Vyvyan That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.
Vyvyan You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!
[Vyvyan does just that.]
It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
Vyvyan Mike?
No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
Vyvyan But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!
Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.
Vyvyan Good one!
Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!
Vyvyan I WAS BORED!
It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.
[While in the bathroom, Rick shouts through the wall to Vyvyan who is still in bed in his room.]
Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodorant? There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine!
Vyvyan How d'you know?
Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit.]
Vyvyan Not the ones on your bum you can't. Could be off your bum.
Oh, and I suppose you think being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vyvyan? Well, it's not!
Vyvyan Look, it's probably a hamster hair. He was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over.
And was I consulted, pally? How d'you think I feel stinking like a student's armpit?
It's stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, and if you ever touch it again, EVER, I'm going to the police. I will, you know. I will go to the police!
[Vyvyan punches his fist through the wall to flip Rick a two fingered a salute.]
Gotcha Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes!
Vyvyan Well, I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.
Why, what are you, a spazzy?
Vyvyan No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.
That's the most pathetic excuse I've ev- *spots the bomb* GORDON WALTERS!
Oh no, it's the holocaust.
[A test card is on every television channel]
Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!
But, haven't we got a license?
But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis! " [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!
Vyvyan What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
[look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
Vyvyan Not if you haven't got a bottom.
Vyvyan That's a completely brilliant idea, Mike. I've been waiting for this for a long time!
(Right Bleedin' Bastard sees the television cable hanging out of Vyv's mouth)
B Mr Bastard
Ah ha! So you do have a... you little runt!
Vyvyan [waving] Hello.
B Mr Bastard
The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick ya.
Vyvyan [pointing at the cable] It's a toaster.
B Mr Bastard
It's a telly, you yobbo. Give it back, I wanna nick ya!
Mr Bastard! Mr Bastard! Toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private property and if they get damaged in any way we sue.
I'm waiting for that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.
Well, they better hurry up... coz Vyvyan's escaped...
[Right on cue, Vyvyan crashes through the kitchen wall on a wrecking ball trying to set off the bomb. He then enters the kitchen a moment later.]
Vyvyan Missed!
[trying to host a party ] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?
Vyvyan [pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!
[laughs ] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
[The clock's hands have spun rapidly.]
Vyvyan No, the clock's broken. The hands keep whizzing round really fast. It's only really half past seven.
It was getting really hot. Then I thought, oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.
Vyvyan Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there, you could have given me away!
[Neil announces he's doing an inventory of the kitchen]
Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!
Vyvyan Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?
Vyvyan [mock sympathy] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry Rick, I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!
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The Young Ones · 138 quotes
Vyvyan
