Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?
Vyvyan[takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.
Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.
Vyvyan
What a revolting thought!
This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!
Vyvyan
Oh, certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]
You Bastards! That's my record player!
You said it was your record player!
Vyvyan
No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!
Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick.
Yes, it is now give it back!
Vyvyan
Ok!
[Hands back to him a burnt piece of his record player, to which Rick whines and hands it back to Vyvyan. He places it on the fire again.]
My parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!
Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!
That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...
Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!
Yes, well never mind all that now. I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...[Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg] Oowww!!!
Vyvyan
Looks like supper's ready!
I'm not cooking Vyvyan. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.
Vyvyan
Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie.
No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down.
What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?
That's not important Rick.
Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.
Vyvyan
Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car.
All right we'll have to use them then.
Vyvyan
No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?
No no no better idea, we'll go out there!
Vyvyan
Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)
No, wait guys guys, what about my scary story?
Vyvyan
Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!
Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil.
Vyvyan
No, that's no good, my cassette's bust!
Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us.
Vyvyan
No, good either i've only got two seats.
Vyvyan
No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?
Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear)
Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.
Vyvyan
Brilliant!
Squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.
Well... (Rick interrupts him)
Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means?
VRVyvyan & Rick
Yeah, it means.. (Neil stops them)
No! Yeah! It means we've got a polterghoost!!
Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing.
Yeah don't be such a spasmo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.
Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?
Vyvyan
Erm well, I did that actually, like this [pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on.] See! Corr, Mike's floating!! How's that done then?
Arrggghhh!! Get a priest! Get a Vicar! I believe in God!
Never mind a priest, call an ambulance!
Vyvyan
Why, Mike?
I've just nailed my legs to the table!
I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.
Vyvyan
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?
Vyvyan
What about "darling"?
"Darling bank manager..."
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".
"Darling fascist bully boy..."
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?
Vyvyan
"You bastard"
Don't you think that's a bit strong?
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."
Vyvyan
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.
Right, ok, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]
Vyvyan
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
[Rick is warming himself by the broken fridge while Vyvyan is lying on a bed.]
I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet?
Vyvyan
Shut Up or Piss Off!
Oh, that's charming, isn't it?
Vyvyan
No, no, those are the two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be really handy in later life for getting into fights and things. Oh! Oh, it's kicking.
[His stomach moves rapidly up and down. Rick looks fascinated.]
Er, Vyvyan. Would it be alright... I mean... can I have a bit... a bit of a listen?
Vyvyan
Yeah, help yourself. You can hear it kicking.
[Placing his ear on Vyvyan's bare stomach] I can't hear anything... all I can hear is... OW! [Vyvyan's stomach twitches violently, knocking Rick upwards.]
Vyvyan
[Patting his stomach] That's my boy!
VVicar
What-ho, I'm the vicar.
Vyvyan
Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress.
VVicar
[pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
Vyvyan
[rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has.
VVicar
Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
VVicar
My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....
[singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...
VVicar
[grabs Rick by the collar] Shaddup! [punches Rick, causing him to fall into the grave]
Help! I've just fallen into a grave!
Vyvyan
Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [grabs the shovel from Neil]
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
Vyvyan
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We better kill him first!
VVampire
No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!
Vyvyan
A driving instructer from Johannesburg? Prove it!
Vyvyan
Ok, what should you never do in a box junction?
VVampire
In a box junction you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!
Vyvyan
Ah, true. Ok, what's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?
VVampire
Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear-view mirrors. If no-one is behind you you should RIP OUT A VIRGIN'S THROAT AND-
Vyvyan
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!
SSayle
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]
Vyvyan
I hate him.
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.
Well, he's got no talent.
Vyvyan
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Vyvyan
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
Vyvyan
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
