The West Wing · Season 2
I hear you're thinking about ophthalmology.
Oncology.
Why would you want to study people's feet?
That's podiatry.
That's children's medicine.
Pediatrics.
I thought it was obstetrics.
That's pregnant women.
And what's the study of feet?
Dad, you're not going to make me laugh.
The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.
[angrily to Ellie] I have set up monumental, unprecedented, unbreakable rules about my children and the press. I have gotten White House reporters transferred to Yemen for approaching Zoey and Elizabeth. It is the law! Well, I'm sure before you gave the quote you cleared it with the Communications Office. I'm sure you went over the exact wording with C.J. Cregg and coordinated with White House strategy so that the timing was right in the news cycle. I'm certain you consulted the appropriate party leadership because you're a pretty knowledgeable operative having spent so much time with me.
[about the President's movie options] And what was the other one about?
"Prince of New York?"
Yeah.
[reading off a sheet of paper] It's an updated version of Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" which tells the story of a Christ-like epileptic young man who embodies goodness, but encounters sex, crime, and family dysfunction.
Hard to imagine why you didn't think the President would enjoy that, Charlie.
Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.
I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.
[about Ellie] You frightened her.
[incredulous] No, I didn't! How did I frighten her?
Jed, look where you're standing!
I was elected two years ago! She's 24 years old!
You've been the king of whatever room you've walked into her entire life.
Never seemed to intimidate Zoey or Liz.
Well, kids are different! They're not the same! You'd be amazed, you'd be stunned, at how soon they understand they're not their father's favorite.
That's not true.
Sir...
That's not true.
Mr. President-
No, no, no! I will bear with the nonsense of the Christian right, and the Hollywood left, and the AFL-CIO, and the AARP, and the cannabis society of Japan! But I will not stand and allow someone to tell me that I love one of my children less than the others! [beat] She's frightened of me?
She ain't the only one.
I'm just going to change my shirt.
You look bad. You're tired. You slept in the office. It's Friday. Go home.
Why?
Because I think you're putting too much faith in the magical powers of a new shirt.
No cameras.
You negotiated that?
Yes.
They agreed to it?
You want to make out with me right now, don't you?
Well, when don't I?
You want the benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.
Yes.
Food is cheaper! Clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper ... Phone service is cheaper! You feel me building a rhythm here? That's because I'm a speech writer and I know how to make a point.
Toby.
It lowers prices, and it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there? It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites, and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars, and we figure out how to fix the rest. One world, one peace... I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere.
So, now you have two choices - meeting with an unruly mob or meeting with lunatic mapmakers.
Or getting paid a lot more money working almost anywhere else I want.
[After Sam learns the identity of a deceased Communist spy] It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter?
It was high treason, and it mattered a great deal! This country is an idea, and one that's lit the world for two centuries and treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living! This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called the last full measure of devotion, of fidelity.
If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.
You just spent six billion dollars on health care. How do you feel?
I'd feel better if it meant just once I could go to a doctor without filling out something on a clipboard.
C.J., let me tell you something, don't ever ever underestimate the will of a grandfather. We're madmen, we don't give a damn, we got here before you and they'll be here after. We'll make enemies, we'll break laws, we'll break bones, but you will not mess with the grandchildren.
There was quite a bit of sugar in the creme' d'caramel.
[all in voiceovers]
There are so many days where you can't imagine anything good will happen.
You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity...
...and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.
Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of big oil and, yes, the president was making us nervous too. But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, maybe people bring out the best. Because I'm looking at the TV right now, and damn if 28 U.S. senators haven't just walked onto the floor to help.
Winnie. Yeah, I said it. Listen, you're talented. When you get out of school, you should come see me for a job.
I suppose you're not a complete loser. And you write very well...So when I get out of school, you should come see me for a job.
Mr. Vice President?
Didn't I do it right?
No, sir, you did it very well. I appreciate it.
Yeah.
I'm sure you know I was curious about why you'd volunteer for something like that.
Yeah.
So I got a hold of some private polling you've had done.
Oh. Yeah?
A significant number of people are concerned over your close ties to big oil.
Well, not anymore.
Yeah, but what I was wondering was why did you put the poll in the field at all? Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't?
Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't could stun a team of oxen in its tracks. Good night.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
