The West Wing · Season 2
You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?
And get some decent pizza, yeah.
They're gonna hate you.
I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.
Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.
So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
We also like beef.
You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.
Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.
We believe in the ERA.
Well, go get them.
How can you have an objection...
Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.
[to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.
Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result of a drug-induced haze.
I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...
Well, that's fantastic.
Toby.
None of you were elected!
I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my--
Not last May, he didn't. Last May, when you were under general anesthesia.
That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS!
No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and it's lack of predictability, why there isn't simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a–a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that it was Leo. Who no one elected! For ninety minutes that night, there was a coup d'état in this country.
[sarcastically] And the walls came tumbling down. I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking. [interjecting as Leo tries to speak up] No, Leo, Toby's concern for my health is moving me in ways...
Mr. President --
[suddenly infuriated, throws a stack of papers against his desk] SHUT UP! [circles around his desk, staring Toby in the face] You know, your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me if it weren't quite so covered in crap!
[poking his head in] Sir...
[sharply] Yeah?
Mr. Garrett.
Thanks. [glares back at Toby] Are you pissed because I didn't say anything, or are you pissed because there are fifteen people who knew before you did? I feel fine, by the way, thanks for asking.
Hey, Ado Annie, I sent you flowers. I think what you're trying to say is, "Why thank you, Josh, they're beautiful, how very thoughtful of you."
Really? 'Cause I think what I was trying to say was "Shove it."
I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.
Why?
It's my alma mater.
Reunion?
The women's studies department is holding a panel on resurrecting the ERA.
Who else is on the panel?
Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem, Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...
You know, something like 40% of all women oppose the ERA, and in my entire lifetime, I've yet to meet one of them.
[extending hand] Ainsley Hayes, pleased to meet you.
You're not...
Yes.
You're not!
Yes.
You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people!
Sam, if, by those people, you're referring to Episcopalians...
You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?
And get some decent pizza, yeah.
They're gonna hate you.
I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?
Yeah.
I told you I slipped on the ice on the front walk?
Yeah. You know why? 'Cause you didn't put down the kitty litter.
I was actually in a car accident.
You were in a car accident?
It was...
Seriously, you were in an accident?
It was no big deal.
You told me it was a late thaw.
[smiles] Yes. I did. Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.
[incredulously] He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?
Yes. And that's why I left him. Which was the point of my telling you this. I left him. So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again, and you didn't make fun of me or him, and you had every reason to.
Donna...
You're gonna make fun of him now, aren't you?
No.
'Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place.
I'm not gonna make fun of him.
Good.
But just what kind of a dumbkes were you...
He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell them that he couldn't.
And had a beer?
Does this make you feel superior?
[Josh looks away and starts to say something, but doesn't.]
Yes, you are better than my old boyfriend.
[Josh stands up and walks toward the door, but stops in the doorway.]
I'm just sayin', if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
[stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. [walks out of his office] Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.
[on Babish] He looks down his nose at me 'cause I'm not a lawyer.
Yes.
I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.
Your parents were very proud.
Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off.
Yeah.
Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?
I think he knows you've got one.
The number of people whose permission I need before I can do whatever the hell I want... Let me tell you something - there's really a lot to be said for fascism.
I'm less visually observant than others but I make up for it.
How?
With cunning and guile.
You got a phone call while you were in there.
From who?
Europe, in 1939.
Yeah?
Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this.
An eighth-grade social studies textbook?
Turn to the page I flagged.
The Lend-Lease Act.
Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can.
There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico.
We won't discuss this any more for the time being. It'll be public soon enough. And the more conversations you have with me, the more lawyers you're gonna have to talk to, and they bill in an hour what you take home in a week, so we won't discuss it except to say this: you're gonna be subpoenaed. I'm confident in your loyalty to me; I'm confident in your love for me. If you lie to protect me, if you lie just once, if you lie just a little, if you lie 'cause you can't stand what's happening to me and the people making it happen, if you ever, ever lie, you're finished with me. You understand?
Yes, sir.
Say you understand.
I understand, sir.
This isn't what you signed up for. Leo begged you to take this job. This isn't what you signed up for. If you leave, I'd appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn't look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one's gonna hold it against you.
Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. [pause] If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?
I guess it depends.
I'm afraid it can't depend, sir.
[pauses and thinks] What would my first step be?
First tell your staff.
Yeah.
Then, decide how to make a public announcement.
Yeah.
Then, order the attorney general to appoint a special prosecutor. Not just any special prosecutor, the most blood-spitting, Bartlet-hating Republican in the Bar. He's gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be "Bring it on!" He's gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I'm gone. An assistant D.A in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you're on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you'll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what'll we say?
Bring it on.
You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
